Beam me up, Scotty. Kit mystery solved

30 Mar

After all the excitement of Germany and Liechtenstein, it was back to normal on the International front last night. England and Gibraltar both lost (Netherlands and Latvia respectively) but, as ever, that really isn’t the focus. And a bit closer to home Griffin Park rocked to the sound of a 4-2 win for the Brentford development squad.

But we start at Wembley and, primarily, the England game. After the horror show of ‘that away kit’ in Berlin against Germany, we were treated to the first outing of the new ‘home’ version. Please note: your definition of treated may vary from Nike’s.

Wow. Having seen the press release shots, nothing could prepare us for just quite how bad this was in action. Whilst the figure hugging look sits fine on professional athletes, I fear for the ‘man in the pub’. But it wasn’t even that, the colour scheme is just vomit inducing.

Those lurid red socks, the blue stripe down the side and,of course, those bonkers coloured sleeves. Clearly part of the current Nike template, I was thinking that had it been available in long sleeves then the shirt would have looked like an offset from TV’s Space: 1999 (kids, ask your parents).

Koenig

Did England take kit inspiration from Space: 1999?

But, no. It wasn’t Gerry Anderson’s under-rated sci-fi classic where they seem to have taken inspiration from. Talking to one terrace wag about this theory, he then put another one to me.

Forget Moonabse Alpha, think Captain Kirk (and this wasn’t a reference to Wayne Rooney’s dodgy hairpiece). The new England shirt looked like it had been beamed straight off the set of 1979’s Star Trek:The Motion Picture.

I’m all for modern shirts looking like something from the 1970s. Any reader of the ‘kit obsessive’ articles in the Brentford match day programme will be aware of this. Likewise, and much to Mrs Bruzon’s chagrin, I’m partial to the odd bit of TV nerdery.

But whilst the thought of combining the two might seem like music to the ears, in reality it is a complete car crash of a kit. The England supporter’s band of shirt design, if you will.

StarTrekTMP01

Dodgy hair; dodgy kits. Star Trek: The Motion Picture

And talking of football’s most unwelcome guests, the off-key parping and stale trumpets were back again last night. Blah. The regular reader knows the drill by now – I’ll spare you another rant on there being more atmosphere on the moon than listening to moribund renditions of ‘The Great Escape’.

Dear FA. Nobody cares. They add nothing. They aren’t wanted. They wallow in delusions of self-importance. If you must inflict this horrible mess on us (kit) at least spare us a second and ‘ban the band’ for the Euros.

As for a final thought on the game last night, did ITV encourage us to “Gamble responsibly, drink recklessly?” The quote from the commentary team, just moments into the second half, seemed loud and clear to me. I know being sat next to Glenn Hoddle and forced to listen to ‘that band’ would be enough to turn you to drink but was this really sage advice to be handing out?

Still, all this is small fry compared to the action from Griffin Park earlier in the afternoon where the Brentford development squad had swept aside Barnsley 4-2. It was a comprehensive performance from the youngsters who, being honest, could really have inflicted brackets on their opponents – such was the level of our domination.

But to complain about only scoring four goals would be trite. It was just nice to get that winning feeling back at Griffin Park after what has been a particularly bleak 2016. Nathan Fox hit a sweet strike to follow up Bradley Clayton’s first half brace whilst Herson Alves hit the pick of the bunch with a curling beauty that put one in mind of a certain Alan Judge.

And on a personal note, a huge thank you to Mark Devlin and the Brentford family. Whilst yours truly was more than happy with the result, somebody else was chuffed to bit with a special appearance from Buzz.

THANK YOU

IMG_4308 (2)

Buzz does his thing in a special guest appearance

Nick Bruzon

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One Response to “Beam me up, Scotty. Kit mystery solved”

  1. Bernard Quackenbush (@BernardQuack) March 30, 2016 at 2:28 pm #

    Would probably be easier to comment on what is right with the new England kit. It would be a much shorter article. We should be glad at GP. Some may be critical of Adidas’ designs, but it could be worse, it could be Nike. Perhaps Mark Devlin was considering how the Paddock would look in a Nike shirt. Terrifying!

    But having seen the preview of today’s piece (not a reference to Bill’s hair), I was probably more excited to see a reference to Space 1999 than England’s kit. Fashion design legend Rudi Gernreich’s contribution to the series was just stunning. Simple, stylish and unfussy, which is nothing like the England kit. With Gernreich ealier in his career designing the transparent bra I hope Nike dont follow suit with transparent shorts.

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