Near brackets, no Dalsgaard, shirt news and a Bee appears in France…

My word. Who’d be an actual journalist for a living at times like these? What do you talk about when there’s nothing to talk about? Apart from trawling Twitter or making rumours up. Thank goodness for the blogger’s ability to pick up, and put down, the keyboard as and when the feeling takes hold. To be able to play around with photoshop, on an ad-hoc basis,  just for the fun of doing so. Another International break symptomised this perfectly with last week’s humping of Derby County already feeling an eternity away. Instead,  primary focus in our house now being on Gibraltar. They restarted football proceedings for us last night and ended up one shy of a home bracketing against Denmark. It was a game which saw the World Cup’s Henrik Dalsgaard of Brentford start on the bench. England have their own run out on Saturday against, well I don’t even know being honest. Without checking. Looks at internet – Bulgaria.  It is the easiest qualifying system since records began in a tournament that it is practically impossible for any team with pretensions of ‘being any good’ not to make the final rounds. Even Scotland are still in with a chance at present. Mathematically.  Back on the club scene we’ve talk of the Kurupt FM Brentford away shirt aswell as an overseas appearance for our fan engagement office, Ryan Murrant, Plus the latest on The Last Word Fantasy Football tournament.

Gibraltar packed their boots for another Euro qualifier…

First up, Euro 2020. Regular readers may be aware of the family connection that sees yours truly focus on Gibraltar whenever an International opportunity presents itself. As ever, the Sky Sports smudge button was pressed as the boys from the Rock had their latest run out on Thursday. That is, the Gibraltar first team rather than Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage although, to be honest the home side could have done with the aforementioned A-listers to break in to the Danish defence. 

Whilst any Bees fans tuning in for a look at Dalsgaard would have been disappointed by his absence, such was the impression made by visitors Denmark that even had he started, opportunities to see our man in action would have been slim to zero. An early goal against. A dubious penalty just after half time and it was game over. Well 6-0 saw it technically game over at full time but it was never really game on. There was to be no close run battle with illustrious visitors as had been seen when the Republic of Ireland came to play. Instead, dreams of another notch on the victor’s bed post will need to remain a dream. For now. 

If only…

As for England, well of course we’ll be watching. The Griffin have the game on the big screen for those wanting to try and recreate that incredible World Cup atmosphere. Albeit, a group of five teams where the top two go through by default doesn’t have quite the same level of jeapordy as 2018’s penalty shoot out. But one can’t deny these occasions are always fun and, if nothing else, its always a great opportunity to get out at a time when we are starved of a Championship fixture. I really can’t see anything beyond an England win in this one. The days of the international surprise, at least in qualifying, are few and far between these days. As Gibraltar know too well. Perhaps Scotland will prove us wrong this evening. Stranger things have happened…..

The Griffin and England football – always awesome

With no on-pitch action at present, the major talking point at Griffin Park has been the much rumoured Kurupt FM take on the away shirt.

I took a wander past the club earlier this week and spoke to a very well connected source who suggested that a shirt is most definitely coming . And all being well, next month. 

This is cracking news and the line to pick these beauties up is sure to be a long one. Especially as I understand that we’ve already run out of adult M and L away shirts (albeit more are on order so stand by your metaphorical guns, Ecoworld fans).

Next up, Ryan Murrant. We all know about our Fan Engagement manager’s social media presence and his wonderful role at the club . About the gold award for Family Excellence given to Brentford last season. But what about the man himself?

Well, if you’d like to know more (to coin a phrase we’ve not used in a while) then how about this piece on French website ’fanstriker’ . It’s in depth and then some but paints a fascinating picture on behind the scenes life at Griffin Park. Enjoy…

And finally, Fantasy Football. We’re now four weeks in to The Last Word FF league. Four rounds are down and only one player, Simon Burns, is left with a 100% record after the weekly head to head games. Remember, there’s a shirt for the winner so keep those transfers coming and those teams fresh.  

And if Ryan is reading, that’s fiftieth (50th) place so far for his own ‘Enter Team Name’. Remember, it’s a marathon not a sprint…..

Nick Bruzon

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The top 12 ‘search terms’ lead to an awkward repeat of past form.

The calm between the storms. Brentford have been and done with the game at Charlton Athletic. The visit of Derby County awaits. I’m not going to deny that Sunday saw somewhat of a cop out in regards to the blog – albeit I stand by what I did. Sometimes, less is more and one can only hope that is the approach taken this coming weekend. Having all the possession and chances counts for nothing if we can’t quite do the business in the final section of the pitch. Something that I am sure will be put right when we receive our latest visit from Frank Lampa….. sorry, old habits die hard.

Being John Frankovich  – no longer a thing 

But with a lazy approach to the weekend review and nothing really happening on bank holiday Monday (from a footballing perspective), that Derby game seems a long way off. On the plus side, it has allowed a chance to play around with the backend static data on these pages. This is territory we visited back in the very early days of this site. So early that  Uwe Rosler was still in charge at the time. 

It was a chance to look at the search terms used by the Internet ( I can take no credit for that side of things) to drive people to one of these articles.

Phrases that, when typed into AOL (Ah, Connie – whatever happened to you and your interactive dress?), Google or Ask Jeeves would then suggest that there may be a relevant article on these pages. Or an interesting one. Your definition of both may, of course, vary.

Yet whilst proving a great source of data, these ‘search terms’ also reveal that there are some people out there with a very niche set of preferences. And that the combination of seemingly innocent key words used in the context of a football blog may be less than innocent when typed in by the (probably) sticky fingers of cyber nerds.

People have ventured here whilst looking for everything from the sublime to the ridiculous. Some of them Brentford related. Some of them not. Amongst other things, these include:

sex pies

Frank Mcparland milk

Sam Warburton naked

Sam Saunders rubber glove

Dickie Davies Asahi beer

Helen Chamberlain leather

Barry Hearn Chuckle brothers

How much is Matthew Benham worth

Harlee Dean fishslapping

Buzzette snapchat

Feet pictures

And my particular favourite : Nick Prochwitz tattoo. 

The mind boggles as to whether that was somebody looking to get one or simply checking out the player’s own bodywork . Either way, not good. 

Would you take a bed wash from this man?

Move over Henry Kelly, Dickie Davies is here

Sam and Dickie. Both have been pictured over the years

Yet whilst looking through these search terms, one in particular caught my eye. Super Victor. In an instant I was taken back three and a bit years to a piece written at the start of the Euro 2016 football tournament and UEFA’s chosen mascot. He of the aforementioned name. Something particularly pertinent given the recent piece about the 2020 equivalent, and it still hurts to say this….…. ‘Skillzy’. Urghh. Feel so dirty.

If the top knotted friend of the children is bad, and he/she/it IS, then it’s nothing compared to the accident that was Super Victor. In more ways than one. You’d think UEFA would learn and hark back to the simpler days of Sweden 1992’s ‘Rabbit’.

Ironically, one so popular he was ported over directly from the previous tournament in 1988 – the only time a mascot has appeared twice. But no, instead of a reproducing rabbit they went for Super Victor. And by the time he had been plastered all over the 2016 tournament, it was too late.

(l-r) Rabbit 1988/92 ; Super Victor 2016 ; ‘Skillzy’ 2020

Only then was it discovered that he shared his name with what was tactfully described as a 5.5kg, 10 inch long ‘industrial sized’ marital aid. People checking out the story at the time were advised not to look up ‘Super Victor Toy’ or visit online adult ‘shopping sites’. Please don’t do it now. I did, for research purposes, and have had to delete my history.

Connie and Jeeves would likely have gone into meltdown whilst nobody wanted any embarrassing incidents in the name of research. The Guardian were amongst those who lead the story back then. They also quoted a source from UEFA who advised, “All we can say is that they [the sex aids] are not produced by Uefa.”

Given Braemar Road JJ had broken the whole ‘Skillzy’ story, I felt duty bound to return the favour last night and introduce him to Super Victor. NOT like that. Get your minds out of the gutter. His own take was as special as last time: 

 “That mascot really is taking a shocker but, mate- if there’s anything even more wrong than a mashup between Corey out of Slipknot and something from Japanese Kabuki theatre, it’s a six year old with a serious coke habit…”

And, as ever, I can’t top that. JJ – here are the keys to the Last Word site. Over to you sir…

Nick Bruzon

Match Of The Day scandal ruins transfer news.

“Mate I’m scandalised…” Not my words but those of Brentford supporter JJ (he of the goal inducing dodgy bladder from the Ealing Road) that reached me last night via the medium of text message. They are words that should unite supporters of every club from West Bromwich Albion and Arsenal to Partick Thistle, Forfar Athletic and beyond. Words which even eclipsed our own news about the signing of striker Nikos Karelis. All this, after reading an article in his son Felix’s copy of BBC Match Of The Day Magazine.

Nikos. Blown away by a scandal from Lineker et al

Mrs. Browns Boys. Made up coffee words – where I gather Star*ucks have now added Trenta to their ‘made up words‘ size range that also includes ‘Tall’ (small, obviously), ‘Grande’ and ‘Venti’. Team GB. Bernie Clifton or, rather, his tinpot England ‘supporters’ ‘band’. Polls about ‘Best Bond’ which have Roger Moore anywhere except number one. Espresso spelt or pronounced Expresso. The world’s weakest joke: Star Wars Day (the one between May the third and May the fifth – aka the fourth of May in our house) etc etc etc. Regular readers – should such a concept somehow exist – know the drill.

There are few things in life which annoy me as much as any of these. Yet Match Of The Day magazine may have just joined the list. Specifically in the latest edition of their publication which included a ‘Best Mascot’ feature.

There was no Buzzette. Anywhere. Gunnersaurus, the Arsenal thing, was absent despite winning the recent World Cup of football mascots. Somehow. West Brom’s Boilerman was conspicuous by his absence. Perennial favourite Kingsley of Partick Thistle was there, although somehow languishing in third place. I’ll let JJ pick up the rest of the analysis with a direct copy paste…

Buzzette – absent. Kingsley – booted into Bronze medal position

JJ: Mate I’m scandalised to see that in Match of the Day magazine the force of nature that is Kingsley is only down at number three for their Mascot of the Year, merely one place above the utter atrocity that is the Euro 2020 effort, ahem, “Skillzy” (take my word for it mate, don’t even look the bastard up…). Not only that but I see that at number one is Wigan’s own Crusty the Pie- all well and good but I hate to break it to the chattering classes fawning over this “ironic and kitsch” dough based hero but Forfar Athletic’s “Baxter the Bridie” beat him to it by several years… 

As regards (shudder…) “Skillzy” I reckon the whole situation can be summed up in three words-anodyne..corporate..wank. Case rests m’lud… Rant over…

Baxter – Noooooooooo

Despite the advice not to, I’ve looked up Skillzy…..

It’s true. Everything JJ says and more. Bad enough that the mascot looks like a cross-eyed serial killer wearing a dead skin mask made from the face of one of his victims. Yet the most heinous of his crimes being use of the extraneous ‘z’ in…’Skillzy’.  Oh, and the top knot. It is a level of bland self-indulgence previously only enjoyed by the aforementioned coffee company. (Large will be fine, thank you). 

Crusty is good, to be fair, but for this new kid on the block to shoot straight in at number is symptomatic of today’s ‘quick fix’ society. Instant gratification syndrome. What a terrible example for any young children who may be reading. Granted, the target audience of the offending publication.

The likes of Buzzette, Kingsley and long established Gunnersaurus have put in all manner of hard yards over the years only to be dismissed in a heartbeat. I must admit to not being overly familiar with Baxter but am sure that Forfar fans will be as frustrated as I am this morning. Possibly.

And, on other news,Brentford official were pleased to say  #WelcomeNikos yesterday. A one year deal has been signed with the option of a second season. Could he be the final piece in the jigsaw? Roll on Saturday’s trip to Charlton where we find out. I’d love to talk more about his but , to quote JJ, “I’m scandalised” by the whole mascot thing.

Now, does anybody have a phone number for The Daily Mail….?

Skill’z’y – appearing on a ‘Wanted’ poster soon

Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells