There may be no football – but there IS still hope. Come on Sky…

We wrote yesterday about the suspension of football. About the horror of replacing Match of the Day with a repeat (natch) of Mrs. Brown’s Boys. About the potential permutations to deciding League placings after Fulham v Brentford became the first high profile casualty of football being suspended for three weeks. At the very least. Will Liverpool end their long wait for a Premier league title? Might Leeds United finally fall over the line and into the top flight? Could the BBC come to their senses in regards to scheduling?

All that (and more) is here. Do take a look. We’ll absolutely be trying to keep it light on these pages to try and find a way through the gloom. To keep things ticking over until some form of normality may return, whenever that may.

Ordinarily a period of self-isolation would be the perfect time to gorge on football. On cricket, rugby and any other form of live sporting entertainment. Yet the football family is suffering as much as anybody else with all activity on hold and, in all likelihood, going to conclude with somebody feeling dissatisfied. Instead of wall to wall live action to while away the time, the sofa is now being shared with the family. With Kirsty and Phil. Fiona Bruce and her antique chest. With Tom & Jerry, Smurfs and the Great Pottery Throw Down. Urghh (smurfs ; not the family).

Match of the Day and live coverage won’t be on again for a long time. Sky and BT have great gaps in their scheduling to fill and, presumably, the classic match packages and ‘story of the season’ will be on repeat. No bad thing but there is another way. There is a chance to bring back a Phoenix from the Flames (and yes, why not that, too).

Out of adversity comes opportunity. Not my words, but those of Benjamin Franklin. He had a point. Use the time to bring back Dream Team. Please.

It must still exist in a dusty vault. It has no doubt aged terribly but surely that would just add to the charm. We’ve spoken about this many times before and will no doubt do so many times again. Why wouldn’t we? It was magnificent. For all the wrong reasons.

Dream Team – Fletch is much missed

Running for ten series, the show was centred around the ongoing and progressively more outlandish events at fictional football club, Harchester United. Combining real life stadia  – Millwall’s ‘New’ Den played host to the exterior shots in later series – and action (often Leicester City, Chelsea or Everton but with the contrast turned up to make their blue shirts look like Harchester’s purple) the show was as loved for its crazy plots as the frequent use of celebrity cameos. From Ron Atkinson to John Barnes, even one time Brentford boss Steve Coppell had a go at channeling his inner Marlon Brando. It wasn’t good.

Ansah

Yet perhaps the most famous of these actors was another former Bee, Andy Ansah. Forget his later work on ‘Street Striker’ or numerous films and adverts though. For me his crowning glory was six series reciting variants of: ‘Get warmed up lads’ and ‘Alright, Gaffer?’ whilst playing himself, as the club’s first team coach.

The plots were riddled with more holes than our defence. Murder at the FA Cup final. The plane crash. The coach crash. The coach explosion at the Millennium Stadium. Goalkeeper Jamie Parker holding his team mates at gun point in the changing room. Liverpool (the real Liverpool) being linked in the papers with a £3.5 million swoop for Didier Baptiste back in 1999. Cue much egg on face when it transpired they weren’t actually bidding for a Monaco player but actually looking at a character from a TV show.

It was truly awful yet compellingly addictive. Sadly, the show was axed in 2007 yet many loyal fans still campaign for a return. In the short term, the Coronavirus induced suspension of football may be the perfect opportunity to remind us all how magnificent this was as we look to the future….

Richard Keys playing himself in Dream Team is the most Richard Keys thing ever. pic.twitter.com/kD3QlyoJWh

— George Clarke (@GLR_Clarke) January 3, 2018

One this all settles down, with Griffin Park around the corner from Sky HQ and the new stadium at Lionel Road, then what better time to bring this back with a progressive club filling the role of the new Harchester? They’ve used Watford. They’ve used Millwall. They’ve even used Brentford (albeit as part of the May 2007 Open Day when a Harchester United team played the Community Sports Trust at Griffin Park.

How about Brentford doing it again – for real ? If any show deserves a reboot, then Dream Team must be top of the list. If it worked for Doctor Who and Dallas (kind of) then imagine what could be done now. Come on Sky, the world of football demands it.

The other subject we touched on yesterday was Pele and Escape To Victory. Any excuse to see this one is always gratefully accepted. Now could be the time to go again. And beyond – there are plenty more football films out there.

If nothing else, like Dream Team, the 2018 film ‘Final Score’ shows the appetite for terrible football drama combined with ‘real life’ remains alive and kicking.  If you haven’t seen it as yet then please do. The Independent described it as “The most preposterous film of the year”. Things are bad when a movie doesn’t even go ‘straight to video’ but instead, ‘straight to sky movies’. Albeit, with a supposedly simultaneous big-screen release.

For those who may not be aware, season 2015/16 saw West Ham leave The Boleyn Ground (as the media insisted on calling a stadium they had only ever previously referred to as Upton Park) in a departure that was very much ‘blink and you’ll miss it’. I think it got the odd mention on Sky Sports over the campaign but don’t quote me on that. The denouement of their protracted exit saw supporters thinking demolition work had started early as a series of explosions ripped through the old ground back in June 2016. Infact, this turned out to be the filming of something I had promptly forgotten about until the aforementioned tweet crossed my social media stream.

Oh, my. Preposterous doesn’t even begin to touch the sides on this one. When it was released, Mrs. Bruzon and myself took the first opportunity to watch this shocker about a terrorist hostage-taking at The Boleyn Ground. A name they must have mentioned about a dozen times in the first half hour, in case anybody was in any doubt. All this happens in secret (don’t ask) and whilst West Ham are taking part in a European Cup semi-final against Russian outfit Dynamo FC. Count the number of things wrong in that last sentence alone. All the while, the hostage takers are searching out Pierce Brosnan, whose East European accent was even dodgier than his beard, whilst Drax from Guardians Of The Galaxy attempts to save both the day and the annoying daughter of a former army comrade whose death he feels responsible for.

Final Score – if Dream Team ever reached the big screen

Yet for every Escape to Victory and, to a lesser extent, The Damned United, Fever Pitch, Mike Bassett: England Manager, is a Green Street, a Soccer Dog (and the even weaker sequel, Soccer Dog: European Cup) or The Goal Trilogy. The football film is a veritable minefield of weak acting, poor script and overly laboured cliché.

Aside from Luis Figo doing ‘Just for Men’ (still got it, Figo) the only on screen football to transcend both good and bad is, perhaps, When Saturday Comes. It is a film so loaded with cliché it is fit to burst. Hard drinking park footballer Jimmy  – played by 37 year old Sean Bean  – eventually gets his break for Sheffield United after stuffing up his first trial before taking on Manchester United in an FA Cup semi-final.

It is a film so loaded with inaccuracy (an FA Cup semi at The Blades home ground, in the middle of winter, being just one of many) that you have to wonder just who gave this script the green light. And, of course, it is a film with Emily Lloyd displaying the worst Irish accent this side of Alan Partridge telling TV execs, “There’s more to Oireland, dan dis” .

Yet this underrated classic is so bad it’s brilliant. It goes beyond nonsense and into the realm of unintentional comedy gold. No mean feat for what, on paper, should be a complete car crash of a movie.

Still, it doesn’t touch the sides of ‘Hot Shot’ .  Pele, again. But this is no Escape To Victory. It’s one I’d never, ever heard of yet now seen, am giving serious consideration to tracking down if the trailer is anything to go by. The 94 second trailer features, amongst other things: temporarily washed up Pay-lay (that’s Pele to you and I), an up and coming hot head,  an 80’s synth pop soundtrack and a training montage.

A training montage ! A. Training. Montage. In a trailer ! How good must this film be that they can afford to offer up this most iconic of sequences in the teaser sequence?

Oh… My… word..

With a script that seems hammier than Joey Barton’s acting, the producers may aswell have just lifted it straight from the bucket marked , “One was a cop who played it straight. The other wasn’t afraid to bend the rules to get results. Yet, somehow, this unlikely pairing could just be the ones to crack the case and save the day ”

So times may be getting tough. We may all end up stuck indoors with nothing but each other for company. Yet some clever scheduling or use of the internet may still provide that much needed hit of sport relief.

Starting with Series One of Dream Team….

Nick Bruzon

 

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The annual cry for help. Now with new graphics.

We’ve done the Brentford piece already today. Now is the one for Star Wars fans. We do it every year and, for that, I apologise. Yet at the same, there’s an almost moral obligation to ensure some things are repeated. Yes – it’s annual crap joke day.

Now I love the Star Wars film series (Jar Jar Binks and Yoda aside) and have very much enjoyed the more recent additions to this canon of work. With Harry now five years old, we’ve even started watching the original trilogy together – despite some reservations on his part every time ‘The naughty man’ comes on screen. Likewise, there’s my own having to think on my feet when the questions captivating him are those such as :

“How does Yoda clean his swamp?

Did everyone escape from the Death Star?

Does the naughty man get a new cape every day?”

Yet, sadly, with every bit of renewed interest in the trilogy thanks to his presence comes a downside – and more so at this time of the year. Thursday was the second of May. Friday, the third of May. Today, as I, and most sane people know it, is the fourth of May.

The key phrase here being sane people. Sadly, Sci-fi geeks and lovers of crap jokery everywhere have began infecting social media timelines with the hilarious comment:  ‘May the fourth be with you’ . Apparently it’s funny because today is May the fourth.

Even now, writing those horrible, horrible words, I can feel the bile rising from the pit of my stomach.

It is a joke so weak that even Stan Boardman has probably turned it down. Being able to use Twitter does not, by default, turn you into some form of after dinner speaker whose consummate wit is the talk of society.  The sort of person for whom this ‘line’ is yet another silver tongued arrow fired from your comedic bow.

Please – I beg of you – it’s not too late. It’s not funny, it’s not clever and it’s not original. Stop it. Now. Nobody is laughing. You aren’t Stephen Fry or a modern day Oscar Wilde. The only people laughing are those looking for Twitter ‘hits’ or who think The Krankies have ascended the giddy heights of cultural sophistication.

So this fourth of May, don’t play into the hands of Disney and further promote their Sci-Fi wares. If you really want to enjoy Star Wars then just stick on Rogue One or The Empire Strikes Back..

Just don’t. Make. That. Joke.

They heard it

Nick Bruzon

 

 

Dream Team. Final Score. And the small matter of a London derby

Brentford travel to Millwall this lunchtime for a fixture that has everything to give. For the Lions, a mere two points separate them from the relegation places whilst the Bees will be looking to close in on another top ten finish. With Promotion chasing Leeds United due to visit on Monday, if that is an aspiration that Thomas Frank is serious about then three points today will be a must for the red and white (hopefully) machine. It will be a task made all the trickier with the news that Said Benrahama is out for the rest of the season with an ankle injury.  Devastating stuff for Bees’ fans but presumably (please….) nothing more than a precaution ahead of his, and our, final campaign at Griffin Park. Yet there’s as much to take out of today ‘off-pitch’ as well as on it, thanks to a surpise contender – West Ham United.

There’s not much can be said about Millwall that hasn’t been said before. Jellied eels. Cockles. The Den. ‘That’ walkout song which also doubles up as goal music – something which is already the most heinous of supporter inflicted tortures then made worse by that banjo filled gumph  . Violence. Racism. No-one likes us  etc etc etc . It’s fair to say that the club don’t have a great reputation, something made all the worse by playing in a breeze block stadium that visiting supporters are then kettled out of once the home fans have dissipated.

As such, you could perhaps be forgiven for giving this one a swerve today. Catching up via I-follow in the sunshine with a few cold ones and the barbecue cooking could be well up there on the list of more pleasurable options. Even better, catching up via BBC Radio London digital in the sunshine with a few cold ones and the barbecue cooking. There we have the pleasure of the dream-team of commentary – Phil Parry and Billy Reeves doing their thing from the seats above the Meridian Line. The programme starts at 12.30 ahead of the 13.00 kick off.

Yet, as always, whatever the reasons not to go you can bet that we’ll be there en-masse. Easter bank holiday has that beautiful footballing double–header of the Lions and Leeds aswell as being one of the last chances to gorge on the beautiful game before the barren summer months. Besides, for yours truly Millwall has an additional reason for the annual pilgrimage. Dream Team. Not so much Billy and Phil but that much lamented Sky One thing.

I’ve spoken about it before on these pages and will no doubt do so many times again. But why wouldn’t you? It was magnificent. For all the wrong reasons. Running for ten series, the show was centred around the ongoing and progressively more outlandish events at fictional football club Harchester United. Combining real life stadia  – Millwall’s ‘New’ Den played host to the exterior shots in later series – and action (often Leicester City, Chelsea or Everton but with the contrast turned up to make their blue shirts look like Harchester’s purple) the show was as loved for its crazy plots as the frequent use of celebrity cameos. From Ron Atkinson to John Barnes, even one time Bee’s boss Steve Coppell had a go at channeling his inner Marlon Brando. It wasn’t good.

Yet perhaps the most famous of these actors was another former Bee (and member of our ‘top ten moustaches‘ club), Andy Ansah. Forget his later work on ‘Street Striker’ or numerous films and adverts though. For me his crowning glory was six series reciting variants of: ‘Get warmed up lads’ and ‘Alright, Gaffer?’ whilst playing himself, as the club’s first team coach.

Dream Team – Fletch is sorely missed

The plots were riddled with more holes than our defence. Murder at the FA Cup final. The plane crash. The coach crash. The coach explosion at the Millennium Stadium. Goalkeeper Jamie Parker holding his team mates at gun point in the changing room. Liverpool (the real Liverpool) being linked in the papers with a £3.5 million swoop for Didier Baptiste back in 1999. Cue much egg on face when it transpired they weren’t actually bidding for a Monaco player but actually looking at a character from a TV show.

It was truly awful yet compellingly addictive. Sadly, the show was axed in 2007 yet many loyal fans still campaign for a return . Indeed, with Griffin Park around the corner from Sky HQ and a new stadium on the horizon in Lionel Road, then what better time to bring this back with a progressive club filling the role of the new Harchester? They’ve used Watford. They’ve used Millwall. They’ve even used Brentford (albeit as part of the May 2007 Open Day when a Harchester United team played the Community Sports Trust at Griffin Park.

How about Brentford doing it again – for real ? If any show deserves a reboot, then Dream Team must be top of the list. If it worked for Doctor Who and Dallas then imagine what could be done now. Come on Sky, the world of football demands it.

If nothing else, the 2018 film ‘Final Score’ shows the appetite for terrible football drama combined with stadium movies remains alive and kicking.  If you haven’t seen it as yet then please do. The Independent described it as “The most preposterous film of the year”. Things are bad when a movie doesn’t even go ‘straight to video’ but instead, ‘straight to sky movies’. Albeit, with a supposedly simultaneous big-screen release.

For those who may not be aware, season 2015/16 saw West Ham leave The Boleyn Ground (as the media insisted on calling a stadium they had only ever previously referred to as Upton Park) in a departure that was very much ‘blink and you’ll miss it’. I think it got the odd mention on Sky Sports over the campaign but don’t quote me on that. The denouement of their protracted exit saw supporters thinking demolition work had started early as a series of explosions ripped through the old ground back in June 2016. Infact, this turned out to be the filming of something I had promptly forgotten about until the aforementioned tweet crossed my social media stream.

Oh, my. Preposterous doesn’t even begin to touch the sides on this one. When it was released, Mrs. Bruzon and myself took the first opportunity to watch this shocker about a terrorist hostage-taking at The Boleyn Ground. A name they must have mentioned about a dozen times in the first half hour, in case anybody was in any doubt. All this happens in secret (don’t ask) and whilst West Ham are taking part in a European Cup semi-final against Russian outfit Dynamo FC. Count the number of things wrong in that last sentence alone. All the while, the hostage takers are searching out Pierce Brosnan, whose East European accent was even dodgier than his beard, whilst Drax from Guardians Of The Galaxy attempts to save both the day and the annoying daughter of a former army comrade whose death he feels responsible for.

This REALLY happened.

It was incredible. So truly bad it crossed to the other side and became unintentional comedy gold. Equal parts Nicolas Cage (if only he’d been available) and Sean Bean’s ‘When Saturday Comes’ with a decent dollop of Dream Team on top.

If it worked for West Ham and Pierce than how about resuscitating the corpse of Dream Team. Come on Sky. Come on TV Producers. Come on Andy. Oh, and come on Brentford. Great though it is to visit the home of Harchester united, six points from Millwall and Leeds United would make this a quite wonderful Easter weekend.

Final Score – if Dream Team ever reached the big screen

Nick Bruzon

When Mrs. Brown has the moral high ground, something is seriously wrong. Star Bores day is here.

Dear Star Wars fans.

This one’s for you (Brentford v Hull City can wait until tomorrow). Copy, paste and edit. A bit.

I love the same film series (Jar Jar Binks and Yoda aside) as you do and one day look forward to watching these with my son. I still have a Millennium Falcon toy somewhere in that attic although sadly, no original packaging. My now four year old son is being slowly sucked into the film series and is a huge Chewbacca fan. The naughty man still scares him. I’m a bit “m’eh” about the prospect of the forthcoming Han Solo film. Being honest.

As such, I guess I’m a fan. Of sorts. Not in the same ball park as the Roger Moore era of James Bond movies but still a fan. Watching ‘For Your Eyes Only’ last night (ITV4) I was blown away by he deadpan brilliance of the exchange:
“If we could identify that someone….”
“Why don’t you try the identigraph?”

Yet sadly, every year, something happens to make me fall out of love with these films a little bit more (not Bond, for the record).

Today is Friday the fourth of May. Or, as most sane people also know it, Friday the fourth of May. Perhaps the date is best remembered as the anniversary of the Cornwall railway bridge opening, linking Devon and Cornwall. If you need to commemorate the 4/5 at least make it for a significant reason.

Instead Sci-fi geeks and lovers of crap jokery everywhere will, no doubt, be bastardising the date and infecting my social media timeline with the hilarious, wait for it……. ‘May the fourth be with you’ comment.

May the fourth. Be. With. You. It’s funny because it almost sounds like a line from a film. How we laughed.
Even now, writing those horrible, horrible words, I can feel the vomit rising. The gag reflex building. The anger simmering. Not even Mrs. Brown and her boys would stoop to this level of ‘joke’. Probably.

How could this happen?

Please – I beg of you – it’s not too late. It’s not funny, it’s not clever, its not original and using this weak, weak pun does not make you into some 21st Century Oscar Wilde or Stephen Fry. It’s the sort of ‘joke’ used by people who find The Krankies or ‘Big Mouth Billy Bass’ ( ‘Take me to the river” – don’t tempt me) the height of cultural sophistication.

So this fourth of May, don’t play into the hands of the Star Wars Marketing board. If you really want to enjoy Star Wars then stick on Return of the Jedi, perhaps fast-forwarding through any Ewok related content.

Just don’t. Make. That. Joke.

Nick Bruzon

Time for a Halloween horror show? Will ten times better Harlee be left to eat his words?

There’s not much more we can really say going into this one. Brentford travel to Birmingham City this evening for a game where our ex-captain Harlee Dean has ensured that the Bees have nothing to lose and everything to gain with his words prior to the weekend’s 0-0 draw against Aston Villa. And closer to home, Yoann Barbet and John Egan have been getting into the Halloween vibe as they’ve been out and about meeting some very excited young fans.

But first, St. Andrews. Tonight’s game had already been one heavily laden with anticipation following our recent transfer activity. If Wycombe Wanderers are sometimes referred to as Brentford B (such has been the procession of players from TW8 to Adams Park) should Birmingham share twin town status with Brentford ? Scott Hogan moved to the city, c/o Aston Villa, in January. A move which, sadly, hasn’t fared that well and sees him already touted for a ‘cut price’ sale.  Then of course we had that gut busting triple whammy over the summer. Jota, Harlee and Maxime Colin all sold to Birmingham City on deadline day for a cool £12million.

It would be fair to say that the immediacy and surprise of selling three fan favourites to a divisional rival left many frustrated. Myself included. Yet now the dust has settled it is Brentford who find themselves four points (effectively five when you factor in our goal difference being 13 better) clear of the Blues. The chance to really prove a point was something that already had fans keen to get to this one.

And then Harlee opened his mouth to make ‘that comment’ about his current team mates relative to his former ones:

“We’ve got quality in that squad. I’ve been in teams where we’ve finished fifth in this league and missed out on promotion by play offs. And this squad is ten times better than that. Its just about getting the balance right.”

Ten. Times. Better. I’m still laughing. We were awesome that season. City have been bang average this time around. Understandably he’s come in for all amount of scorn in regards to this claim. A claim which was followed up by his side’s lethargic draw with Aston Villa on Sunday. Hey, at least they kept a clean sheet although Jota will still be kicking himself about the chance he missed when clean through.

Embed from Getty Images

 

Say what you want. Nobody can doubt the size or history of Birmingham City. Yet reputation and former glories count for nothing when you are slugging it out in the Championship. Something Leeds United, Aston Villa et al have found out when they take on…..teams like Brentford. Whilst Dean Smith may not be viewing this as any form of grudge match, you can be sure our fans are well up for this and are going to be out to make themselves heard. Bring it on…

Off field, the club celebrated Halloween by playing trick or treat on some of our locally based Junior Bees. John Egan and Yoann Barbet donned the fancy dress to knock on the doors of some very excited young fans.

A familiar face welcomed visitors

If you haven’t seen the film already, you can catch this below (and the full story is on official). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. This club is second to none for embracing the local community and our fanbase. Whether it be the family fun day, open day at the training ground or the Christmas party the players are never anything but 100% genuine; the club are only ever 100% into it. I can’t imagine a Manchester United or an Arsenal doing all of this, for free, on such a regular basis. Getting out into the community or giving the fans a chance to meet their idols. The reaction from the kids says it all and there’s a huge THANK YOU from me given Harry’s chance to participate.

Although in retrospect, and given what is coming this evening, perhaps best that his comments at the end were more to do with the Buzz Bee pumpkin lantern and less with what he said off camera about a former captain. To the current one….

John. Yoann. Thank you. And if you could go and lay on another Halloween horror show, at St. Andrews, that would be fantastic.

The players do their thing. HB is really into satsumas…

Nick Bruzon

With Alien Day seeing another entry to the pantheon of lame ‘jokes’ why not do something good instead?

No. Nooo. Nooooo. In space, no one can hear you scream. Well, sitting here home alone at 6.45am that’s exactly how it feels. It’s a rare foray away from the Brentford stuff today (albeit we’ve a Bees update at the end of this one). Indeed, upon waking there hadn’t even been an intention to write. Then I saw Twitter where something awful has happened. With the world’s weakest sci-fi/calendar related crossover joke still a week away, out of nowhere somebody has created a new one. Apparently today is Alien Day. Seriously.

It has a Twitter emoji – this must be official

April 26th – Alien Day. Obviously. It even has its own Twitter emoji. But why? Why? Star Wars Day (truly, the most odious of social media gimmicks) at least has a tenuous connection. May the fourth being a hilarious spin on the famous line from the films whilst,simultaneously, being the weakest pun this side of an episode of Mrs Browns Boys. May the force/fourth be with you – how we laughed. Said absolutely no-one.

That’s bad enough, but at least there is another week to brace oursleves. Perhaps even activate the ‘mute’ filter.  Yet now, out of nowhere,  I’ve woken up to see my social media stream full of #Alienday. But what is the connection?

Well, in a no way marketing related spin (the new film Alien : Covenant is released next month) some bright spark has noted a an even looser connection than the Star Wars one. 4/26 – to put an American spin on the date – is almost the same as Planet LV-426 from the movies Alien and the wonderful sequel, Aliens.

That’s it.There isn’t even an attempt at wordplay. For Star Wars Day to have the moral high ground  – in the fact that at least anybody with a vague knowledge of popular culture might pick up on it – there must be something seriously wrong.

What next? 20th January: Space Odyssey day ? 1st March: Doctor Who day? August 29th: Terminator 2 – Judgement Day ? (Actually, I quite like that one).

Nobody will care. That’s fine. I just had to get this off my chest. Or, perhaps, out of it. D’oh!

The new ‘day’ not at all marketing related. And yes, I’ve bitten

And relax. Getting back to Brentford, we’ll start to look at the trip to Fulham tomorrow. Until then, there’s a special request – and I apologise if I sound like a cracked record but it is music related.

The charity single Welcome home, King Jota is being deleted tomorrow. Time is fast running out to download this or give the video a spin on YouTube. In itself, as enjoyable given you get to immerse yourself in Mark Fuller’s video montage containing all number of Bees supporters in cameo roles aswell as, more importantly, a homage to the luxuriantly coiffured wing wizard.

All proceeds go to charity – the single is of course raising money for Cancer Research UK. This is the last time I’ll mention it in the short term so please go out and do your thing.

Billy Reeves, Adam Bluetone, Rich Hard-FI and a cracking tune could be yours for just a 79p donation to charity. You can get it here. Please do. And why not give that video, which is almost at an incredible 3000 hits, one more play?

Jota – genius

Nick Bruzon

Wonderkid? Wonderful. Brentford, Sky, Mark and Natalie give us all some food for thought.

Are there any scarier words in the English language than, ‘Issues film’? Well, perhaps “Rail replacement bus service” or “Coming up next, Mrs Browns Boys”  but the thought of a film highlighting any issue in society (regardless of the subject matter itself) isn’t one that is, if we’re being honest, most of us would probably make a beeline to ahead of an ‘Escape To Victory’ or ‘Moonraker’. Who would substitute entertainment and escapism for self-reflection and being forced to think? Yet with Brentford FC already showing their support of Football v Homophobia month and promoting the Rainbow laces campaign (amongst other things), the club have now taken another step forward whilst helping to challenge such ideas.

Last night’s screening of the film WONDERKID, in conjunction with Sky Sports at their on site cinema – looking at the issue of homophobia in football – was simply invigorating. And, let’s be clear, thoroughly entertaining. “Thought provoking stuff” said our host for the evening Natalie Sawyer on more than one occasion. And wasn’t she right?

Look, I’m not going to overly preach about homophobia or LGBT rights. In my eyes it ’s very black and white. Anybody who thinks cowardly, hateful comments and actions as a response to something as irrelevant as somebody’s sexual preference are appropriate – whether in person or on social media  – needs to step back into the Dark Ages. Lecture over.

However, it was so refreshing to see our own conceptions challenged in the film, to hear the comments from the audience and, perhaps most importantly, sit in on the post-screening discussion which included, amongst others, Sophie Cook from Bournemouth and our own Mark Devlin.

Natalie leads a thought provoking discussion

Mark quite rightly noting the good work already being done by Brentford in this field, something which it is still in its infancy. Talking of how, with one supporter already banned, the aim is ‘zero tolerance’. Zero. Tolerance. That’s a big statement to make but a very pleasing one to hear.

Mark spoke of how he is looking to encourage fans to report instances of abuse – for example through the ‘kick it out’ app. Of how great it was to receive emails praising the club for the lack of any of that ‘oh so tedious’ (my words) chanting against Brighton this season.

Fairplay to Mark, too, for noting the club has been accused of simply ’ticking a box’ in the past when approaching such issues. Whether this is true or not, we are where we are and, in my personal opinion, that is well ahead of so many other clubs – both in terms of the attitude and display from the vast majority of our own fans aswell as our own ambitions. The question being how do we push on from here? Mark, I guess that’s why you are the chief executive and I’m just the numpty on the terrace.

I sincerely hope the panel discussion is shared on Brentford’s social media platforms today. It really is well, well worth a look, especially some brave, yet also wonderfully positive input, from Sophie. As is the film (starring Chris Mason as ‘wonderkid’ McGuire) which I came out of as intrigued in how the plot would continue as in the subject matter itself.

Natalie Sawyer with Wonderkid ‘McGuire’.

Huge thanks to everybody at the football club and Sky Sports for last night’s event. How nice to see all our high profile club figures and groups represented. As well as Natalie and Mark, amongst others also present were film director Rhys Chapman, the LGBeeT group, Chairman Cliff Crown, the B Team, many of the first XI, the media team, Beesotted, BIAS and Brentford guru Tom Moore from Get West London. As were the fans, of course.

And, likewise, a special thanks to Cliff who gave an insight as to what he had been up to this weekend. The previous column noted his appearance at Wembley stadium for the EFL final, sitting at the front of the Royal Box in his Brentford jacket. Well, rather than a hitherto unheard of connection to the monarchy, this was due to his role on the board of the EFL.

How good that the club have a voice in such a place of influence. With the subject matter of homophobia one at the forefront of our discussion, this is more than timely.Keep up the great work, Cliff

And, of course, keep up the great work Brentford.

Nick Bruzon  

On a day of incredible shocks, have we found a new ‘best worst ever’ ?

With no Brentford action over this weekend there’s no real Championship action to talk about today. Instead, there’s a flashback to yesterday’s column looking at the FA Cup and the best/worst of football films where, it would be fair to say, one has most definitely got away. First up though, Lincoln City and their incredible FA Cup win at Burnley.

What can you say? It was the archetypal cup tie and a captivating game from start to finish. Andre Gray and James Tarkowski were amongst those left looking very much non-league (please, stop sniggering) whilst Joey Barton’s second half collapse in the box was a piece of football acting so bad it made When Saturday Comes, one of the films under discussion in yesterday’s column,  seem positively Shakespearean in comparison.

Here’s hoping the FA take some retrospective action. It was a terrible example for any young children who may have been watching etc etc etc and a chance missed by the BBC. Whilst, rightly, focussing on Lincoln’s incredible triumph Barton was mostly glossed over. Whilst he was discussed, his antics would be described on Match of the Day as “Just Joey’s game” – see also, his shove in the face of Terry Hawkridge.

It may be “Just Joey’s game”. It’s not the FA’s, though. Old habits seemingly just can’t go away as the whole sorry performance was glossed over. No irony has been lost today with this tweet subsequently resurfacing.

What a performance from Lincoln. How nice to be talking about City rather than Red Imps of Gibraltar on these pages. And what a disaster for Burnley. If only they’d played like that when Marinus took Brentford to Turf Moor last season. Come to think of it, the way we played that day, we’d still have gone down .

Turf Moor last season. Any excuse to crowbar this one in – love that unicorn

It was a wonderful cup upset with another one appearing on these very pages. One of those rare instances where yours truly has actually called something correctly. It won’t last although, whilst I’m on something of a streak, let’s tempt fate and back Brentford to beat Sheffield Wednesday on Tuesday night.

The other topic under discussion yesterday was the portrayal of football on screen. The good, the bad and those efforts which crossed over into both camps. Yet one was missed. One I’d never, ever heard of yet now seen, am giving serious consideration to tracking down if the trailer is anything to go by.

Big thanks to supporter Marc Loewenthal for sharing, this : Hot Shot.

Coming soon. To a betamax near you

The 94 second trailer features, amongst other things : temporarily washed up Pay-lay (that’s Pele to you and I), an up and coming hot head,  an 80’s synth pop soundtrack and a training montage.

A training montage ! A. Training. Montage. In a trailer ! How good must this film be that they can afford to offer up this most iconic of sequences in the teaser sequence?

With a script that seems hammier than Joey Barton’s acting, the producers may aswell have just lifted it straight from the bucket marked , “One was a cop who played it straight. The other wasn’t afraid to bend the rules to get results. Yet, somehow, this unlikely pairing could just be the ones to crack the case and save the day ”

Nice one , Marc. And thank you.

Good luck Lincoln City in Sunday’s draw. As for me, I’m looking forward to Sheffield Wednesday on Tuesday.

Can Brentford bounce back?

Nick Bruzon

What to do on FA Cup weekend? The best (and worst) of football film plus an offer for the fans.

With Brentford having gone missing in action at Chelsea last month, it means we’ve got a free weekend. Instead of a league game against Wolves at Griffin Park, our would be visitors host our FA Cup conquerors in a fifth round encounter that has all those classic ingredients to serve up a potential potato skin. As for Bees fans, we’ll need to put the tinfoil back to regular use and find something else to occupy us until we visit Wednesday on Tuesday. Sheffield, that is.

For Brentford fans, the tin foil has now reverted to normal use until next season

So? What to do ? Of course, there are still the televised games. These include the aforementioned encounter at Molineux aswell as the one at Turf Moor where Andre Gray, James Tarkoswski (is he still even there?) et al provide the Goliath role as Lincoln City pay Burnley a lunchtime visit.

That one’s well worth a watch, purely for the novelty factor of seeing Burnley playing the role of giants. Yet, at the same time, I’ve got a sneaky feeling this will be the one where we have a weekend shock. Whilst the ties at Wolves and Sutton United are the obvious TV draws, expect the top class opponents, and also Arsenal, to go through. Yet with motivation, form and the entire country behind them, Lincoln look remarkable value.

But if watching Chelsea is a painful reminder of what might have been then could I suggest an alternative? A football film. Regular readers, should such a thing exist, will know of my love of these. The pinnacle of the genre being Escape To Victory.

This has it all. Actors playing football, badly. Footballers acting,very badly. Michael Caine alongside Pele. Sylvester Stallone sharing screen time with Bobby Moore. John Wark’s moustache is worth the entrance fee alone. Come for the facial hair; stay for the Ardiles flick.

Pele scores as the Allies escape to victory.

Yet for every Escape to Victory and, to a lesser extent, The Damned United, Fever Pitch, Mike Bassett: England Manager or even TV’s Dream Team, is a Green Street, a Soccer Dog (and the even weaker sequel, Soccer Dog: European Cup) or The Goal Trilogy. The football film is a veritable minefield of weak acting, poor script and overly laboured cliché.

Aside from Luis Figo doing ‘Just for Men’ (still got it, Figo) the only on screen football to transcend both good and bad is, perhaps, When Saturday Comes. It is a film so loaded with cliché it is fit to burst. Hard drinking park footballer Jimmy  – played by 37 year old Sean Bean  – eventually gets his break for Sheffield United after stuffing up his first trial before taking on Manchester United in an FA Cup semi final.

It is a film so loaded with inaccuracy (an FA Cup semi final at The Blades home ground, in the middle of winter, being just one of many) that you have to wonder just who gave this script the green light. And, of course, it is a film with Emily Lloyd displaying the worst Irish accent this side of Alan Partridge telling TV execs, “There’s more to Oireland, dan dis” .

Yet this underrated classic is so bad it’s brilliant. It goes beyond nonsense and into the realm of unintentional comedy gold. No mean feat for what, on paper, should be a complete car crash of a movie.

If you haven’t seen this, you haven’t lived.

And thus talk of football films brings us, with all the subtly of an Alan McCormack challenge, bang up to date and back to Griffin Park.

Next Tuesday, 28th February,  sees Brentford and Sky Sports joining forces for an exclusive screening of the film Wonderkid.  The short film looks at one of football’s biggest issues – that of homophobia in the modern game – with Brentford doing their part to help raise awareness.

It is a cause we’ve always looked to promote and now the Bees are tackling this from a different angle, through the medium of cinema. The football film is a tricky enough genre to get right as it is, let alone with the added pressure of a serious issue. Yet, at the same time, I can’t wait to see how this goes and how it is received.

Full information about the event, including how to get free tickets, is on the club website now. See you there.

Nick Bruzon

Ronaldo an Ice, Ice Baby as Manchester United invoke the cringe factor. Again

What a wonderful night at the EUROs. As England and Wales fans combined to see off further Russian hooligans with nothing more than chanting, everybody’s favourite underdog Iceland achieved the double feat of earning their first ever point – against Portugal – whilst simultaneously forcing Cristiano Ronaldo to channel his inner Russell Slade. And whilst Brentford news remains practically nonexistent, back home at least we have Manchester United and Wayne Rooney to keep things ‘interesting’ as the Old Trafford club have launched their latest movie crossover.

First up, and briefly, England. With the game against Wales taking place tomorrow (Thursday) supporters have come under attack from Russian thugs again. This time, along with Welsh counterparts as fans of both nations were enjoying drinks together. Updates all over Twitter suggest that the trouble was broken up quickly with the home nations reacting no more than by singing “F**k off, Russia” at their attackers.

Like many, I’ve an anxious feeling about how this is going to play out. I understand from THE man on the spot, Brentford supporter Billy Grant (whose first video has now topped a million YouTube hits) that their next blog should be out imminently. It will be very interesting to hear what the Beesotted boys have to say about the latest. Keep ‘em peeled.

You’ve dropped something. This pic did the rounds last night

OK. Iceland. What a night . What a result. With many people tipping Portugal to go all the way, a spirited performance from a nation who had almost a tenth of their entire population in the stadium had people all over Europe cheering as the game ended 1-1.

Despite a horrendous volley of puns from the BBC, “An eruption of form”, “The main geezer” (that one was Lineker) and “Iceland are used to the Northern lights. Ronaldo is used to the limelight”, they managed to hold firm. Even a Ronaldo free kick from the heart of Saunders territory in the final moments was able to be kept out.

Best of all though, they managed to upset Cristiano Ronaldo. Massively. In a demonstration that,once again, stats don’t win football matches (apart from ‘balls in the back of the net’) he gave a post match press conference that was part  40% Steve Evans and 60 % Russell Slade.

“They celebrated like they’d won the FA Cup”. Words that every Brentford fan will recall after that win over Leyton Orient. Russell Slade’s outburst lives on in the memory and came flooding back last night as the Portuguese peacock told reporters, “I thought they’d won the Euros the way they celebrated at the end, it was unbelievable.”

He then turned ‘Steve Evans’ as he noted, “They scored a goal, they created two chances in the 90 minutes, and otherwise they got every player behind the ball. They put the bus in the net.”

Yes Cristiano. And still you couldn’t beat them. Fantastic work, Iceland. Here’s to seeing your journey continue.

Next up. Manchester United. We’ve already talked on these pages about their ‘media partnership’ that seen them now involved in film promotion. Hey, I suppose they’ve had to do something whilst not winning those trophies.

The X-men spin off, which also involved them body-painting their child mascots blue, was a start. An awful start. So bad it was kind of compelling.

Wayne Rooney. Compelling

As noted previously, Rooney’s wooden exclamation of “Bloody Hell” isn’t in the same ball park as Cantona’s “Au Revoir” or men like Figo who never give in to grey (“still got it”). But compared to the ‘proper’ actors around him, dreadfully trying to crowbar the names of his Manchester United team mates into a ‘scene’ from the new movie, Wayne came across with the gravitas of Morgan Freeman.

Now it’s my turn to say “Bloody Hell”. They’ve only gone and done it again. This time for Independence Day: Resurgence . The original film from 1996, an easy entrant into my top 10 of all time. So utterly bad it’s stunningly brilliant . I am as keen to see the sequel as I am to find out just what Kitman Bob has in store for next season’s Brentford shirt.

This time around, Wayne doesn’t get to hog the limelight. Chris Smalling, Daley Blind, “It’s pronounced Blind” (not sure that works so well here – perhaps watch the video) and others get to chew the scenery with Jeff Goldblum.

Oh, my. It’s awful. Just so, so bad. Beyond cringeworthy and into the territory of having to watch from behind the sofa. Truly, toecurling stuff. Yet at the same time, I might just have to watch it once more.

I can’t wait for the next one

I’m glad I’m not Blind

Nick Bruzon

Plug time :  With the Brentford tumbleweed continuing, the most I can do is guide you to where The Last Word ‘season review’ : Ready. Steady. Go Again and the three year anthology : The Bees are going up remain available for download. Should anybody want to go over this nonsense, relive these moments once more and remind ourselves of the pain induced by Stroud and the fallout from that penalty’ you can do so now.

It has been a stunning few years. Here’s to more of the same. We may have had a few lows (something about a penalty, the football village, the FA Cup, the pitch, the Marinus experiment) but there have been plenty more highs as the Bees made an unexpected challenge for the Premier League.

Thanks for reading.