Once a hero, always a hero. Martin Allen provides a great escape from lockdown.

Martin Allen I bloody love you. With the lockdown biting hard on football, what could have been a miserable afternoon of self-isolation and staying indoors was turned into nothing short of a magnificent two and a half hours. Following on from last week’s session with Phil Giles, Mad Dog himself was there to lift any bank holiday gloom for Brentford fans in the latest of the GPG live video chats on Saturday.

Bedecked in ‘that’ tank top and with Bees supporters hanging on his every word, it was a quite unique peek behind the curtain of what went on at the time and what makes Martin tick. Whilst he also talked about West Ham, Leicester City and Eastleigh the conversation was dominated by The Bees.  The affection felt for his time at Griffin Park, his players and Peter Gilham (whose red PMA wristband he still wears) there for all to see and hear.

Live in your living room – face to face with Martin Allen

I’ve no idea how the time went so quickly. Yet from the off Martin had us hooked. It was quite bizarre, in the nicest sense. In the blink of an eye we were all transported back to 2004 with tales of the Great Escape. Of the Cup runs. Of Harry Redknapp. Of the unapproved ‘bid’ to sign Paolo Di Canio from West Ham. One can only imagine the panic in the board room. Of play-off pain. Of Steve Claridge. Michael Turner. Sonko. The genuine affection and pride in Jay Tabb. The potential of Alex Rhodes and Oli Skulason, both of whom saw promising careers so cruelly hit by injury. 

The former a player whom Martin felt had the potential to go all the way to the top whilst the story of breaking the injury news to the later one which brought a lump to the the throat. We talked about the players v fans match. About secret 5.30am video filming in the Thames at Kew Bridge with a lad called Mark Chapman (never heard of him). And we talked a lot about Sam Sodje.

Oh my. You could probably write a book on that section alone. The tackles. The signing. Training with Deon Burton. His approach to opening letters from the council – and the carnage that almost ensued as a result. And I bet what was discussed don’t even begin to touch the sides. The recording of the session has gone live already – you can find it below c/o the GPG YouTube upload. Please do take a look as these words can’t even begin to do it justice.

Equally, there was honesty. Things that didn’t work out so well. Stephen Hunt. The move to Leicester City. Eastleigh. Yet as Martin also added, he doesn’t do hindsight. No regrets at all were evident. Just an engaging look back on all those things that had gone well. The smile on his face broad as we talked about Luton Town away (a game that , seemingly, everyone went to) . The deadpan humour evident and the twinkle in the eye there for all to see. 

Another game of ‘Celebrity Squares’ (albeit only one celebrity)

Thomas Frank is wonderful. I love how he is with the fans. How welcoming and open he is at all times. Yet for those of us of a certain age, to see Martin pull us up by the bootstraps and bring Brentford football club so close to the success we enjoy now was nothing short of incredible at the time. It all feels so fresh, even 15 years on. To hear it discussed in such open, engaging and, being honest, hilarious  detail by the very architect of the moment was nothing short of incredible.

Martin is unique. We all know that. I’m pretty sure he even ate a dog biscuit at one point late on in the session. We all worshipped him at the time. We all still love him now. Nothing can change or take away what he did. Nothing can replace that love he shared with us and vice-versa. It must be quite a special and rare feeling for an ex-manager to still be welcomed back with such open arms. Yet for him to talk through all this left a huge smile on the face. A quite wonderful feeling of well being at what is a quite awful time out there. The way he made every question feel so personal – not just in the answers given but the engagement with the person asking it. Nobody else mattered beyond you and him. And it was quite special.

The whole thing is here. ENJOY

Once again, huge thank to Trevor Inns and his GPG team for setting this up. It really was phenomenal fun. Even now, Sunday morning, I’m still smiling at the though of Sodje launching into a scissor kick or Martin dropping the F bombs at Harry Redknapp and co.     

There is talk of another one next Saturday. Good luck to whoever follows this, you’ve got one hell of a job to do ! 

Every ball was caught and kicked with us

Nick Bruzon

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Beam me up, Scotty. Kit mystery solved

After all the excitement of Germany and Liechtenstein, it was back to normal on the International front last night. England and Gibraltar both lost (Netherlands and Latvia respectively) but, as ever, that really isn’t the focus. And a bit closer to home Griffin Park rocked to the sound of a 4-2 win for the Brentford development squad.

But we start at Wembley and, primarily, the England game. After the horror show of ‘that away kit’ in Berlin against Germany, we were treated to the first outing of the new ‘home’ version. Please note: your definition of treated may vary from Nike’s.

Wow. Having seen the press release shots, nothing could prepare us for just quite how bad this was in action. Whilst the figure hugging look sits fine on professional athletes, I fear for the ‘man in the pub’. But it wasn’t even that, the colour scheme is just vomit inducing.

Those lurid red socks, the blue stripe down the side and,of course, those bonkers coloured sleeves. Clearly part of the current Nike template, I was thinking that had it been available in long sleeves then the shirt would have looked like an offset from TV’s Space: 1999 (kids, ask your parents).

Did England take kit inspiration from Space: 1999?

But, no. It wasn’t Gerry Anderson’s under-rated sci-fi classic where they seem to have taken inspiration from. Talking to one terrace wag about this theory, he then put another one to me.

Forget Moonabse Alpha, think Captain Kirk (and this wasn’t a reference to Wayne Rooney’s dodgy hairpiece). The new England shirt looked like it had been beamed straight off the set of 1979’s Star Trek:The Motion Picture.

I’m all for modern shirts looking like something from the 1970s. Any reader of the ‘kit obsessive’ articles in the Brentford match day programme will be aware of this. Likewise, and much to Mrs Bruzon’s chagrin, I’m partial to the odd bit of TV nerdery.

But whilst the thought of combining the two might seem like music to the ears, in reality it is a complete car crash of a kit. The England supporter’s band of shirt design, if you will.

Dodgy hair; dodgy kits. Star Trek: The Motion Picture

And talking of football’s most unwelcome guests, the off-key parping and stale trumpets were back again last night. Blah. The regular reader knows the drill by now – I’ll spare you another rant on there being more atmosphere on the moon than listening to moribund renditions of ‘The Great Escape’.

Dear FA. Nobody cares. They add nothing. They aren’t wanted. They wallow in delusions of self-importance. If you must inflict this horrible mess on us (kit) at least spare us a second and ‘ban the band’ for the Euros.

As for a final thought on the game last night, did ITV encourage us to “Gamble responsibly, drink recklessly?” The quote from the commentary team, just moments into the second half, seemed loud and clear to me. I know being sat next to Glenn Hoddle and forced to listen to ‘that band’ would be enough to turn you to drink but was this really sage advice to be handing out?

Still, all this is small fry compared to the action from Griffin Park earlier in the afternoon where the Brentford development squad had swept aside Barnsley 4-2. It was a comprehensive performance from the youngsters who, being honest, could really have inflicted brackets on their opponents – such was the level of our domination.

But to complain about only scoring four goals would be trite. It was just nice to get that winning feeling back at Griffin Park after what has been a particularly bleak 2016. Nathan Fox hit a sweet strike to follow up Bradley Clayton’s first half brace whilst Herson Alves hit the pick of the bunch with a curling beauty that put one in mind of a certain Alan Judge.

And on a personal note, a huge thank you to Mark Devlin and the Brentford family. Whilst yours truly was more than happy with the result, somebody else was chuffed to bit with a special appearance from Buzz.

THANK YOU

Buzz does his thing in a special guest appearance

Nick Bruzon

ITV on the rise but will Sky scrape the barrel? And what of John Swift?

There was mixed news on the International front last night. Despite many enjoying the 3-2 win for England in Germany, it was the performance of the U-21 team that saw potential bad news for Brentford where Chelsea loanee John Swift limped off less than half an hour into the game with a bloody foot. Elsewhere (and I need to thank the statistical demigod that is Luis Melville for his Twitter tip-off) there was terrifying news from the Daily Mail.

But first, England. What a night – primarily because the alleged  Supporters’ band couldn’t be heard over the TV speakers. Were they even in Berlin? Who cares! The lack of jingoistic parping from their off-key trumpets was music to my ears. If I wanted to hear the theme tune to the Great Escape I’d simply watch TV on any Bank Holiday.

That was my on-field highlight. Yes, of course the goals were wonderfully taken although if you want any form of match report than, as ever, I’d suggest the BBC. The said, the win was hard fought with the ITV commentary team doing their best to jinx it at the death. Eric Dier’s injury time goal was met with declarations of “A winner in Germany” and “a winner on his debut”, despite there still being 90 seconds on the clock.

The other plus point was the performance of Lothar Matthäus  in the punditry position. Channelling the look of Paul Robinson – Neighbours, rather than Birmingham City or Burnley – he was that rare example of an ITV pundit who it was actually a pleasure to listen to. Dead pan humour, common sense and a great reading of the game. Let’s hope they snap him up for the Euros over the summer.

Kit wise, just about everybody has said their piece on this already. England opting for traditional red with burgundy sleeves and blue socks (very much Dagenham & Redbridge 1995, as one Twitter observer noted) whilst Germany elected to wear two tone black/dark green(?) with lighter green sleeves. And don’t forget the white stripes down the side from armpit to hem that looked like a somewhat unsightly deodorant stain.

As the regular reader will (should one exist still) be aware, I’m all for the unusual and a bit of variety in team kit. These, however, both looked like the product of a “What might go well with jeans?” marketing meeting. And those blue socks should never see the light of day again.

For me Clive, this has surpassed the 1994 effort (oversized flappy collars, all those subliminal badges and a shade heading towards burgundy) as the worst ever England away shirt.

As a final thought on the game, what was with all the adverts for ‘Hooch’ that kept flashing around the pitch? Surely that died out in the 90s with Global Hypercolour t-shirts, VHS cassettes and ‘Eat my shorts’ ? Or are Student Union bars (three of the most terrifying words in the English language, to rank alongside ‘Rail Replacement bus’) about to see a resurgence?

No longer the worst England away shirt

Next up, John Swift. With Josh McEachran still being reported out injured (and the club saying nothing to deny these stories, unless I’ve missed it) there would have been heart in mouth when he got injured last night. Despite my best searches of the internet – and it is frustrating how often a search for his name is thrown off track by: Taylor Swift, Dear John – the most we know so far is that he has a cut foot judging by the pictures circulating on Twitter.

How bad this is remains to be seen although I am sure we’ll learn more today. Whilst he has, for the most part , divided Brentford supporters during his loan spell from Chelsea, one thing we can all agree on is that another injury is the last thing we need at this pivotal point in the season. We all recall how Chris Long’s nasty gash impacted him at the tail end of the previous campaign and so let’s hope this isn’t a case of déjà vu.

I’m not a hypocrite. I don’t think Swift has had the best start to his career at Griffin Park. An over indulgence on the showboating and tendency to lose the ball has been a frustration yet, at the same time, he clearly has ability as we have seen in patches. The Wolves game in particular highlighted what he can do when we get his ‘A game’. Besides, you don’t get called up for the England U-21’s unless there is something there.

Equally, and as we are reminded time and again, he IS a young player who is still learning his game. These skills and judgement calls will come as his game develops. John has become an easy target in some circles but at a time we need everybody pulling together, let’s hope his substitution was a precautionary one and we have him back, on top form, this Saturday.

Ok. The Daily Mail. Or, rather, Mailsport online have run a disturbing story to suggest Sky will be revamping Friday night football next season to make it, what seems to be, a bit more ‘laddish’. Nuts magazine does football if you will, as guest presenters are suggested to include – brace yourself – the likes of James Corden and Holly Willoughby.

Before anybody mistakes this for any form of misogynistic rant, let’s be 100% clear. I’ve got no issues with women presenting football. Quite the opposite. I think Kelly Cates has been the shining star in the (initially at least) car crash that was Football League Tonight whilst Gabby Logan has been doing her thing, brilliantly, for almost twenty years.

And, of course, who could forget our own Natalie Sawyer who has had her feet under the presenter’s desk for so long that she probably knows more about the beautiful game than most of us put together. (Perhaps Sky should be looking ‘in house’ where, of course, Natalie has also shown her punditry skills on Football League coverage?)

Natalie at the Sky Sports desk – feet not pictured

My issue is with novelty presenters. Comedians great. Football great. Just please don’t combine the two. Nobody needs another ‘Russell Brand’ guesting on Match of the Day.

Football punditry is three men or women, who know about football, sitting on a sofa and talking about the game. You don’t need to jazz it up anymore. We’ll still watch.

Will anybody, honestly, say: “It’s Chelsea – Leicester City tonight. I was going to give it a miss but Gary Neville is busy with Valencia so Holly Willoughby is presenting. Get the Hooch in and make room on the sofa” ?

Aside from the fact that I’ve got more chance of managing Valencia than Gary Neville next season I can’t believe that situation is going to play out anywhere. Who needs Lothar Matthäus when we could have the host of Surprise Surprise, This Morning and Streetmate (don’t remember that one)? I’ve nothing against Holly per-se but when her sporting pedigree peaks at ‘Celebrity Wrestling’ and ‘Dancing on Ice’, perhaps one to give a miss.

Comedians, alleged or genuine, don’t mix well on football

Nick Bruzon

England fans; poles apart. Rod Hull 1 Bernie Clifton 0

England, oh England. I’d like nothing more than for the national side to qualify for World Cup 2014 tonight. As a Brentford fan it’s my only chance (for now, I’ll discount Gibraltar’s chances of being able to qualify for anything) of being able to support a team in competition outside the domestic campaign.  But watching England comes with a hefty price tag.  For every giddy high of a Wembley win, comes the sickening low of the troublesome trombones and flat trumpets that make up the, so called,  ‘supporter’s band’.

To read the rest of this article, season 2013/14 is now available to download onto Kindle, in full. Containing previously unseen content, you can do so here for less than the cost of one matchday programme.

 Thanks for reading over the course of the campaign. For now I need to make space on this page for any follow up.  The ‘close season’ / World Cup columns continue in full, further on in this site.