Tag Archives: joke

Is this the funniest joke since records began? No. More importantly, will Neal start today?

20 Jul

“She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal Wolsey got his nob out at Hampton Court and stood at the end of the passage pretending to be a door.” Not my words but those of TV’s Edmund Blackadder. And words which have now been surpassed by Huddersfield Town making the utterly predictable reveal that their ‘sash’ shirt was a fake after we were finally treated to the real thing. On matters closer to home, Brentford travel to Wycombe Wanderers this afternoon where there will be more than a passing interest in Thomas Frank’s starting XI.

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Umbro rescue Huddersfield Town supporters. At the second attempt.

Let’s start with Huddersfield Town. Why not? With Brentford fans still basking in the glory or our own Umbro designs for 2019/20, knees jerked on Thursday when the Terriers ‘revealed’ their own effort for the forthcoming season. The oversized sponsor’s sash, promoting a bookmaker, prompting immediate horror from those who fell for it and scorn form just about everybody else. The horrors of online betting. The obvious breach in regulations. The fact that Huddersfield were playing along in a joke at their own expense.

Most crucially, the abject awfulness of the alleged kit. How do you even cock up a sash shirt? This should be impossible, given it’s a universally accepted fact that this is a look which is up there with the very best in shirt design.  That Huddersfield managed to mangle it so badly, at their own expense, whilst simultaneously pissing off almost the entire fanbase is a PR stunt that has well and truly backfired. Except, of course, for Mr. P who has more than earned his pound of advertising flesh. I mean, who wasn’t talking about them in footballing circles?

And then, surprise surprise, it was all revealed to be a hilarious prank. Despite us being nowhere even close to April 1st. To quote Blackadder once more, “I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split.

On the plus side, the new look unveiled by Huddersfield Town is magnificent. Hats off to Umbro for pulling this one out of the kit bag. They really are on fire this season. Even better, the official incarnation of the Huddersfield shirt has the luxury of being sponsor free. It’s just a shame their fans had to go through all that nonsense to get there.

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Crystal Palace. Vasco Da Gama. Peru. All prove it should be impossible to mess up a sash kit.

Right. Wycombe Wanderers v Brentford. There’s one topic on everybody’s lips. And it’s not whether we’ll be wearing black and yellow. Neal Maupay. Will he start? Will he be here at the start of the season? Have there been any bids? Are we really preparing the way for his departure with the reported acquisition of Bryan Mbuemo from Troyes?

Persaonlly, I take the offerings from sites such as Football League World and HITC with a huge dollop of salt – when it comes to actual facts, they’re normally about as on target as a Murray Jones and Nick Proschwitz dream team. Yet when Beesotted are talking about it (and you can read their thoughts here) then stand up and take notice.  Should the Mbuemo story prove correct, might he even be an acquisition rather than a replacement? Matthew Benham does love to surprise us.

Ultimately, nobody really knows. This is all part and parcel of being a Brentford fan these days. Trust in the long term set up and overall squad balance, tempered with the more immediate angst at the prospect of saying goodbye to any one of several club heroes.

No matter how philosophical one has to remain about the quite wonderful way in which we conduct our business, football is an emotional game. We all love the likes of Neal, Said, Ollie, Sergi, Romaine. To name but a few. The immediate reaction to any combo of them leaving would see us gutted – no matter what comes next. Just look at the plaudits for Yoann Barbet, despite his eventual destination. then again, look at who has signed up at Griffin Park in lieu of him and Ezri. It works!

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Here’s to more in 2019/20…..

So Neal may start at Wycombe. He may be on the bench. It doesn’t really matter in terms of serving up a clue about longer term intention. Unless, of course, the likes of Billy Reeves can get to him after the match and administer a gentle probing so we can hear from the man himself about his own thoughts.

One can dream.

And finally, time is running out on me annoying you about the annual Last Word season review e-book for your kindle, iPod telephone or other electronic reading device. However, with all proceeds received from the £1.99 sale price going to the Brentford FC Community Sports Trust its worth a mention. 

You can download it here and whilst it’s shonky, whilst I’m still spotting typos in it and some of the jokes are almost as weak as The Huddersfield shirt launch, what better way to while away your time on the commute to work, the toilet, holiday or just simply relive some of the exciting moments from last campaign as we wait for 2019/20 to start? If nothing else, it has a whole host of material not previously published on this site. That’s meant as a good thing, by the way.

Thanks. As ever.

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Nick Bruzon

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The annual cry for help. Now with new graphics.

4 May

We’ve done the Brentford piece already today. Now is the one for Star Wars fans. We do it every year and, for that, I apologise. Yet at the same, there’s an almost moral obligation to ensure some things are repeated. Yes – it’s annual crap joke day.

Now I love the Star Wars film series (Jar Jar Binks and Yoda aside) and have very much enjoyed the more recent additions to this canon of work. With Harry now five years old, we’ve even started watching the original trilogy together – despite some reservations on his part every time ‘The naughty man’ comes on screen. Likewise, there’s my own having to think on my feet when the questions captivating him are those such as :

How does Yoda clean his swamp?

Did everyone escape from the Death Star?

Does the naughty man get a new cape every day?

Yet, sadly, with every bit of renewed interest in the trilogy thanks to his presence comes a downside – and more so at this time of the year. Thursday was the second of May. Friday, the third of May. Today, as I, and most sane people know it, is the fourth of May.

The key phrase here being sane people. Sadly, Sci-fi geeks and lovers of crap jokery everywhere have began infecting social media timelines with the hilarious comment:  ‘May the fourth be with you’ . Apparently it’s funny because today is May the fourth.

Even now, writing those horrible, horrible words, I can feel the bile rising from the pit of my stomach.

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It is a joke so weak that even Stan Boardman has probably turned it down. Being able to use Twitter does not, by default, turn you into some form of after dinner speaker whose consummate wit is the talk of society.  The sort of person for whom this ‘line’ is yet another silver tongued arrow fired from your comedic bow.

Please – I beg of you – it’s not too late. It’s not funny, it’s not clever and it’s not original. Stop it. Now. Nobody is laughing. You aren’t Stephen Fry or a modern day Oscar Wilde. The only people laughing are those looking for Twitter ‘hits’ or who think The Krankies have ascended the giddy heights of cultural sophistication.

So this fourth of May, don’t play into the hands of Disney and further promote their Sci-Fi wares. If you really want to enjoy Star Wars then just stick on Rogue One or The Empire Strikes Back..

Just don’t. Make. That. Joke.

May 4th

They heard it

Nick Bruzon

 

 

When Mrs. Brown has the moral high ground, something is seriously wrong. Star Bores day is here.

4 May

Dear Star Wars fans.

This one’s for you (Brentford v Hull City can wait until tomorrow). Copy, paste and edit. A bit.

I love the same film series (Jar Jar Binks and Yoda aside) as you do and one day look forward to watching these with my son. I still have a Millennium Falcon toy somewhere in that attic although sadly, no original packaging. My now four year old son is being slowly sucked into the film series and is a huge Chewbacca fan. The naughty man still scares him. I’m a bit “m’eh” about the prospect of the forthcoming Han Solo film. Being honest.

As such, I guess I’m a fan. Of sorts. Not in the same ball park as the Roger Moore era of James Bond movies but still a fan. Watching ‘For Your Eyes Only’ last night (ITV4) I was blown away by he deadpan brilliance of the exchange:
“If we could identify that someone….”
“Why don’t you try the identigraph?”

Yet sadly, every year, something happens to make me fall out of love with these films a little bit more (not Bond, for the record).

Today is Friday the fourth of May. Or, as most sane people also know it, Friday the fourth of May. Perhaps the date is best remembered as the anniversary of the Cornwall railway bridge opening, linking Devon and Cornwall. If you need to commemorate the 4/5 at least make it for a significant reason.

Instead Sci-fi geeks and lovers of crap jokery everywhere will, no doubt, be bastardising the date and infecting my social media timeline with the hilarious, wait for it……. ‘May the fourth be with you’ comment.

May the fourth. Be. With. You. It’s funny because it almost sounds like a line from a film. How we laughed.
Even now, writing those horrible, horrible words, I can feel the vomit rising. The gag reflex building. The anger simmering. Not even Mrs. Brown and her boys would stoop to this level of ‘joke’. Probably.

MRS BROWN'S BOYS

How could this happen?

Please – I beg of you – it’s not too late. It’s not funny, it’s not clever, its not original and using this weak, weak pun does not make you into some 21st Century Oscar Wilde or Stephen Fry. It’s the sort of ‘joke’ used by people who find The Krankies or ‘Big Mouth Billy Bass’ ( ‘Take me to the river” – don’t tempt me) the height of cultural sophistication.

So this fourth of May, don’t play into the hands of the Star Wars Marketing board. If you really want to enjoy Star Wars then stick on Return of the Jedi, perhaps fast-forwarding through any Ewok related content.

Just don’t. Make. That. Joke.

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Nick Bruzon

Christmas present from Crystal Palace helps Brentford draw with 12 man Cardiff.

27 Dec

A fair point, lucky to get away with it or robbed? Brentford and Cardiff City shared the spoils in 2-2 Boxing Day draw that sprang to life late in the second half but, prior to that, had been a game which felt as stodgy and bloated as a third helping of sprouts and Christmas pudding. Only the presence of Crystal Palace loanee Sullay Kaikai managing to save the day.

And talking of Christmas puddings (oh, the crowbarring…) referee Simon Hooper was giving out no gifts (the penalty to Cardiff for their opener, aside) as he enraged the Griffin Park faithful, management and players – with Harlee Dean being awarded a yellow card for his (correct) protests at yet another stonewall penalty being turned down.

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Harlee tells the ref what we all think and saw – c/o Beesplayer highlights (below)

It was as shocking a display of refereeing as one could hope to see. Consistently poor decision making as appeals for three nailed on spotkicks were waved away by the man in the middle. But it wasn’t just him.

The assistant on the Braemar Road side  proving absolutely no use in telling him what we could all see. Their existence on the pitch proving pointless which, ironically, was how Brentford were almost left after Cardiff had retaken the lead with minutes on the clock.

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Pointless officials almost left the Bees , erm, empty handed

One point for the visitors would have been harsh, let alone all three. They’d taken the lead in the first half with the one penalty that Mr Hooper saw fit to award, for the most innocuous of innocuous ‘challenges’ (please note: yours, and everybody else’s definition of the word ‘challenge may vary).

Yet if the Bees had been robbed we were hardly making a fight of hauling ourselves back into it. Turgid, apathetic, lazy. Every manner of ’too much Christmas dinner’ related cliche. Any of these would have been an apt description of a team that not so much failed to get going as failed to make it out onto the pitch.

With Cardiff opting to go for muscle , brawn and height there is enough talent in this team to have kept it on the deck and run rings around them. Instead, it was tedium in football form. Bounced off the challenge and as many sideways and backwards passes as attempts to take it forward dominated our play. The first half was, frankly, as entertaining as a Christmas cracker joke.

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Answers on a postcard…

An hour in, substitutions . And good ones. McEachran for Sawyers and Sullay Kaikai for Lasse Vibe. Neither had played well whilst, for whatever reasons, the form of our great Dane seems to have long gone off the boil. How he is still justifying a starting berth is confusing to many but, with the new look team in place, things did step up.

With an added positive substitution of Philipp Hofmann coming on for Bjelland, the Bees began to push. And push. The penalty appeals aside, it was surely going to be matter of time.

And then it happened. Visiting ‘keeper Brian Murphy could no longer hold off the red hoardes as, despite a number of fine saves, he finally saw his net bulge courtesy of a quite magnificent effort from Sullay Kaikai. That’s one to hit rewind for again and again once the official highlights come out (until then, we have the Sky variant available).

Mark Burridge now on hand for ‘official’ comms

But with the Bees pressing for a late winner, we were caught short. Kenneth Zohore beating the last man when played on side and, with a generous shove chucked into the mix, was able to fire the Bluebirds into an 89th minute 2-1 lead.

With fans trooping out early for the pub, and City gloating, it was dead in the water, wasn’t it? Those who stayed were rewarded for their faith. That man Kaikai popping up again to head home John Egan’s cross and salvage a point for the Bees.

We should have won this. We could have lost it. Don’t let the anti-performance of the referee or our late surge disguise the fact that we were so desperately poor for huge swathes of this game. But for the Crystal Palace man we’d have had few complaints, barring the referee, at coming away empty handed.

A team just can’t rely on arbitrary decision making from the man in the middle to determine their fate. Cardiff offered nothing beyond grunt yet even that was too sophisticated for the Bees in the opening hour.

The record books will show a point earned and, in the longer term, we’ll have few complaints. Yet I do wonder why Dean’s teams are so inconsistent and such late starters?  Why can’t we play for 90 minutes? See also : Birmingham City . Why do we just fail to turn up at times? See also: Barnsley, Norwich City and Fulham.

I’ve no issue losing but the consistency, or lack off, is perplexing. We just don’t know which Brentford we’re going to get. Here’s hoping that when we play Norwich City on New Year’s Eve it’ll be the one that humped Reading 4-1 or Preston 5-0 way back in September.

Not the Brentford who got turned over 5-0 at Carrow Road earlier this month.

On Dec 31st, we find out. See you there.

Nick Bruzon

Don’t give in to the Dark Side. An apology

4 May

This should be a time for celebration. Brentford fans know what I mean. Instead, I’m angry again as Star Wars, the second best film franchise of all time (nobody can top ‘Roger’ era Bond) sends me to the bitter depths of despair. So angry it’s not even a football article today.

Yes, it is the fourth of May.

I apologise in advance for repeating a lot of what I’ve said before. I love Twitter but today it’s being given a wide berth. Sci-fi geeks and lovers of crap jokery everywhere have, already, began infecting my social media timeline with the hilarious ‘May the fourth be with you’ comment.

Even now, writing those horrible, horrible words, I can feel a little bit of sick rising to the back of my throat.

Please – I beg of you – it’s not too late. It’s not funny, it’s not clever, its not original and using this weak, weak pun does not make you into some 21st Century Oscar Wilde. I love bad wordplay as much as the next man but this limp ‘gag’ forsakes humour for twee. And those are two fields which are a world apart.

It’s the sort of ‘joke’ used by people who find The Krankies or ‘Big Mouth Billy Bass’ ( ‘Take me to the river” – don’t tempt me) the height of cultural sophistication.

So this fourth of May, if you really want to enjoy Star Wars then stick on The Force Awakens or Return of the Jedi. Perhaps fast-forwarding through any Ewok related content.

Just don’t. Use. That. Phrase.

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April Fool laughs come from an unexpected source – Fulham !

2 Apr

With the Fulham game now just one more ‘wake up’ away, yesterday was the opportunity for Brentford fans to enjoy a bit of calm before the storm. April Fools day was the ideal chance for some light relief but, sadly, the joke stories were conspicuous by their absence.

To read the rest of this article, season 2014/15 is now available to download onto Kindle (and other electronic reading device) in full. Containing additional material and even some (poor) editing, you can get it here for less than the cost of a Griffin Park matchday programme or Balti Pie.

Thanks for reading and all your comments over the course of the season. For now, I need to make more space on the site for any follow up. However, ‘close season’ will continue in full, further on.

A lovely image, even if nobody was fooled

A lovely image, even if nobody was fooled

Billy The Bee - Mr Grant asking the right questions, as ever

Billy Grant asking the questions – a megaphone probably the last thing he needs

Star Wars fans – please note. New cast; old ‘joke’

3 May

Dear Star Wars fans.

I love the same film series (Jar Jar Binks and Yoda aside) as you do and one day look forward to watching these with my son. I still have a Millennium Falcon toy somewhere in that attic although sadly, no original packaging and I am, genuinely, excited about the prospect of the next film in the series.

The recently published story about Episode 7’s cast, and the news that filming is imminent, has set internet nerds into meltdown. But, sadly, with every bit of renewed interest in the trilogy there is a downside – and more so at this time of the year.

This Saturday is the third of May. On Sunday as I, and most sane people know it, will be the fourth of May.

Instead Sci-fi geeks and lovers of crap jokery everywhere will, no doubt, be infecting my social media timeline with the hilarious ‘May the fourth be with you’ comment.

Even now, writing those horrible, horrible words, I can feel a little bit of sick rising to the back of my throat.

 

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Even the good people at Lego are joining in

Please – I beg of you – it’s not too late. It’s not funny, it’s not clever, its not original and using this weak, weak pun does not make you into some 21st Century Oscar Wilde. It’s the sort of ‘joke’ used by people who find The Krankies or ‘Big Mouth Billy Bass’ ( ‘Take me to the river” – don’t tempt me) the height of cultural sophistication.

So this fourth of May, don’t play into the hands of the Globex Marketing corporation and further promote their Sci-Fi wares. If you really want to enjoy Star Wars then stick on Return of the Jedi, perhaps fast-forwarding through any Ewok related content.

Just don’t. Make. That. Joke.

Big Mouth Billy Bass – how we laughed.