Coming home or going to Rome? Mowbray or Matterface? Doctor, no.

Sunday. Not long now until England face Italy at Wembley to decide who will be crowned Euro 2020 Champions. Will football be coming home or going to Rome? Yet the main team battle will, of course, be between ITV and BBC. Which channel will viewers opt for? Which set of pundits and commentators will the viewing public choose? Back in Brentford, we’ve the usual transfer rumours (Liverpool  – Harry Wilson – and Celtic – Kris Ajer –  the latest clubs linked to the Bees) although any actual substance is about as rare as somebody joining the England Supporters Band fanclub. So we’ll gloss over that unless time permits.

Besides, it’s all about Wembley today. A chance for the Three Lions to finally get their hands on some silverware. Assuming the Jules Rimet doesn’t count (for those unaware, England  / West Ham did lift that golden trophy back in 1966. If only somebody had said). It’s going to be huge. It’s going to be exciting. It’s going to be laden with cliche. It’s going to be a titanic battle. It’s going to be ITV v BBC. But which way to go?

The head and heart immediately lean away from ITV. And there are only two words needed. Sam. Matterface. An over excitable puppy of a commentator, well out of his depth on a big occasion and doing everything possible to get on everybody’s nerves with his OTT enthusiasm. Think Scrappy Doo with a microphone. How many people lost their jobs this week as a result of his giving us all the day off? Oh, the scenes. (cringe).  

What about the BBC? The calm experience of Guy Mowbray in the commentary box. Lineker, Shearer and Lampard in the studio. Along with Rio Ferdinand (used to play for Manchester United. Mentioned it once). The rock solid Gabby Logan out on the touchline with Alex Scott and Jürgen Klinsmann. Plus the benefit of no adverts – although I wouldn’t put it past them to sneak one in there for Doctor Who. They’ve got form at this sort of thing. Sadly.

Who could forget how during the 2014 World Cup final they crowbarred the trailer for the then forthcoming new series into the middle of the half-time analysis. It was a horribly awkward moment. Lineker, for once, seemed genuinely lost for words as any momentum for the second half was immediately washed away. It was a moment that caused the remote control to switch channels to ITV, and for that to happen… 

Then, in 2016, there was the FA Cup semi-final at Wembley between Everton (not a typo) and Manchester United. It should have been one to get the juices flowing but instead, the BBC once again delivered a Tardis shaped turd by using the game to announce the identity of Doctor Who’s new…. ‘assistant’. Not even the eponymous Doctor (like Fox, not a real doctor) but merely his sidekick. 

Please. No. As was noted at the time I like Doctor Who (much to Mrs Bruzon’s chagrin) and have what could politely be called more than a passing interest in the great game of football. Yet to jam them together just seems like some cheap-arsed attempt to boost audience figures. It is one that detracts from both events. To be honest, even making ‘an event’ out of a new cast member for the Sci-Fi classic seems like an unnecessary stunt, anyway.

So sure, the BBC may have a strong team but they always have the threat of a rogue timelord. Don’t put it past new ‘companion’ John Bishop (a Liverpool fan, I’m led to believe) putting in an appearance to kill the football vibe. 

Let’s not forget, either, that ITV have two absolute trump cards up their sleeve.

Firstly, the wonderful Emma Hayes on punditry duty. We’ve waxed lyrical about her already on these pages and I can never hear enough of her in-game analysis. Then, there’s the jewel in the crown of TV football – Roy Keane. He’s worth the admission money alone for what could politely be called ‘forthright’ views. His duels (think of a cat toying with a spider) with Adrian Chiles were the stuff of legend and he still continues to shine.  

It really IS a tough choice. The BBC aren’t the shoe-in that, at first glance, you might think. Could Keane and Hayes pull Matterface out of the… deep end? His time will come, just perhaps for now he needs the support.

Might the beeb run themselves out with their own self promotion? A hare and a tortoise of a commentary race with an equally surprise ending? Like England v Italy itself, I can’t call this one. It’s too tight. Home or Rome? Matterface or Mowbray? It should be Rocky v Drago. The underdog v the Colossus. But shocks can happen. Cripes, if Brentford can win at Wembley then anything is possible. Roll on 8pm when we find out.

Nick Bruzon

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Green cards and the last 16. What a day as fixtures revealed

That was fun! Brentford finally found out when we’ll play the likes of Fulham, Aston Villa and Newcastle United on the same day that EURO 2016 went bonkers. In the best posible way. Ireland recorded a wonderful 1-0 win over Italy whilst Iceland continued their incredible journey and Hungary topped Group F. Cristiano? Hello, Cristiano…? Hello??

First up, the Euros. Iceland recorded a stunning last minute win over Austria that saw them leapfrog Portugal and take second place in their group. With it, comes a last 16 tie against England on Monday evening.

The Icelandic commentator, it would be fair to say, very much enjoyed the moment. There can’t be many who have yet to hear the winning goal but, in case not, here it is. Mark Burridge, eat your heart out….

Burridgegasmsonn?

The rest of the results saw the third place teams take order. Northern Ireland will face Wales on Saturday whilst Ireland’s reward for a 1-0 win over Italy will be the chance to take on hosts, France. Cue the inevitable, and understandable, Thierry Henry ‘handball’ references. Moreso, with the French pundit already lined up for that one.

It really was a wonderful moment for the Irish, despite Sam Matterface being the latest victim of the bug in the ITV water. Even with Glenn being kept on the pundits’ sofa for this one, it didn’t stop the normally reliable Sam coming out with comments that bordered dangerously on the Hoddlesque.

On Shane Long, “He may play for Southampton but he is no Saint” was the pick of the first half. This was later followed by the description of Italy’s Lorenzo Insigne as “Five foot four. He’s the same height as Victoria Beckham.”

Wow. It was a reference that was tenuous at best and, surely, was only used to win some secret ITV betting pool. I can only imagine Glenn Hoddle cringing in the studio as his use of “I think that’s a tactical move” to describe a substitution from England – Slovakia slipped to second place in the pecking order.

Whatever the explanation, we’re got more of the same on Monday night. England – Iceland is on ITV, folks. Cue wall to wall adverts for a certain frozen food store along with the inevitable defrosting of Kerry Catatonia and Peter Andre for some rush released adverts.

As for domestic matters, Brentford now know what we have in store and, it would be fair to say, the footballing gods have mostly smiled on us. Proceedings begin at a Huddersfield Town side that we put 9 goals past in two games last season. Scott Hogan must be licking his lips already.

Scott Hogan – after 18 months out, ran defences ragged

Newcastle United away is on a Saturday although the trip to Villa Park is an early Tuesday evening. Boxing Day, Cardiff City, is at home whilst the season ends with QPR (H), Fulham (A) before concluding at Griffin Park against Blackburn.

We’ve all got our favourites.  We’ve all got those dates that have already been pencilled into the diary as ‘immovable’ (until Sky move them). We all know which games we are already missing due to pre-arranged ‘plans’.

In a wonderful display of symmetry, we welcome Ipswich Town for our opening home game of the campaign. I’m sure, Jonathan Douglas especially, will receive a warm welcome after last season. How is the foot now, Jota?

Green cards are being applied for and the diary filled in. With EURO2016 now through what has, if we are being honest, felt like a somewhat protracted group stage, the excitement level feels as though it has cranked up exponentially.

Roll on the weekend when it all continues.

Bru celebrated (too early) as Ipswich opened the scoring last season

Nick Bruzon  

And finally…. :  With Brentford now set to ‘go again’  The Last Word ‘season review’ : Ready. Steady. Go Again and the three year anthology : The Bees are going up remain available for download. Should anybody want to go over this nonsense, re-live a stunning few seasons  of Championship life once more and remind ourselves how things turned out after that penalty’ you can do so now.

Here’s to more of the same over 2016/17. Thanks, as ever, for reading.

On Tuesday, my mind really was in the gutter….

We’ll get on to Brentford momentarily but first, an odd question. How much clutter can the average football fan’s gutter hold?

Its one I’ve contemplated before (regular readers may recall last season’s programme article on a similar subject) but it resurfaced on Tuesday night as I struggled to stay awake during England’s ‘workmanlike’ performance in Ukraine.

Listening to Southampton supporter Christian O’Connell on Absolute Radio this morning, he posed the question ‘The England game was so boring that…?” and then invited listeners to complete the sentence.

To read the rest of this article, season 2013/14 is now available to download onto Kindle, in full. Containing previously unseen content, you can do so here for less than the cost of one matchday programme.

 Thanks for reading over the course of the campaign. For now I need to make space on this page for any follow up.  The ‘close season’ / World Cup columns continue in full, further on in this site.