Tag Archives: Star Wars

The annual cry for help. Now with new graphics.

4 May

We’ve done the Brentford piece already today. Now is the one for Star Wars fans. We do it every year and, for that, I apologise. Yet at the same, there’s an almost moral obligation to ensure some things are repeated. Yes – it’s annual crap joke day.

Now I love the Star Wars film series (Jar Jar Binks and Yoda aside) and have very much enjoyed the more recent additions to this canon of work. With Harry now five years old, we’ve even started watching the original trilogy together – despite some reservations on his part every time ‘The naughty man’ comes on screen. Likewise, there’s my own having to think on my feet when the questions captivating him are those such as :

How does Yoda clean his swamp?

Did everyone escape from the Death Star?

Does the naughty man get a new cape every day?

Yet, sadly, with every bit of renewed interest in the trilogy thanks to his presence comes a downside – and more so at this time of the year. Thursday was the second of May. Friday, the third of May. Today, as I, and most sane people know it, is the fourth of May.

The key phrase here being sane people. Sadly, Sci-fi geeks and lovers of crap jokery everywhere have began infecting social media timelines with the hilarious comment:  ‘May the fourth be with you’ . Apparently it’s funny because today is May the fourth.

Even now, writing those horrible, horrible words, I can feel the bile rising from the pit of my stomach.

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It is a joke so weak that even Stan Boardman has probably turned it down. Being able to use Twitter does not, by default, turn you into some form of after dinner speaker whose consummate wit is the talk of society.  The sort of person for whom this ‘line’ is yet another silver tongued arrow fired from your comedic bow.

Please – I beg of you – it’s not too late. It’s not funny, it’s not clever and it’s not original. Stop it. Now. Nobody is laughing. You aren’t Stephen Fry or a modern day Oscar Wilde. The only people laughing are those looking for Twitter ‘hits’ or who think The Krankies have ascended the giddy heights of cultural sophistication.

So this fourth of May, don’t play into the hands of Disney and further promote their Sci-Fi wares. If you really want to enjoy Star Wars then just stick on Rogue One or The Empire Strikes Back..

Just don’t. Make. That. Joke.

May 4th

They heard it

Nick Bruzon

 

 

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When Mrs. Brown has the moral high ground, something is seriously wrong. Star Bores day is here.

4 May

Dear Star Wars fans.

This one’s for you (Brentford v Hull City can wait until tomorrow). Copy, paste and edit. A bit.

I love the same film series (Jar Jar Binks and Yoda aside) as you do and one day look forward to watching these with my son. I still have a Millennium Falcon toy somewhere in that attic although sadly, no original packaging. My now four year old son is being slowly sucked into the film series and is a huge Chewbacca fan. The naughty man still scares him. I’m a bit “m’eh” about the prospect of the forthcoming Han Solo film. Being honest.

As such, I guess I’m a fan. Of sorts. Not in the same ball park as the Roger Moore era of James Bond movies but still a fan. Watching ‘For Your Eyes Only’ last night (ITV4) I was blown away by he deadpan brilliance of the exchange:
“If we could identify that someone….”
“Why don’t you try the identigraph?”

Yet sadly, every year, something happens to make me fall out of love with these films a little bit more (not Bond, for the record).

Today is Friday the fourth of May. Or, as most sane people also know it, Friday the fourth of May. Perhaps the date is best remembered as the anniversary of the Cornwall railway bridge opening, linking Devon and Cornwall. If you need to commemorate the 4/5 at least make it for a significant reason.

Instead Sci-fi geeks and lovers of crap jokery everywhere will, no doubt, be bastardising the date and infecting my social media timeline with the hilarious, wait for it……. ‘May the fourth be with you’ comment.

May the fourth. Be. With. You. It’s funny because it almost sounds like a line from a film. How we laughed.
Even now, writing those horrible, horrible words, I can feel the vomit rising. The gag reflex building. The anger simmering. Not even Mrs. Brown and her boys would stoop to this level of ‘joke’. Probably.

MRS BROWN'S BOYS

How could this happen?

Please – I beg of you – it’s not too late. It’s not funny, it’s not clever, its not original and using this weak, weak pun does not make you into some 21st Century Oscar Wilde or Stephen Fry. It’s the sort of ‘joke’ used by people who find The Krankies or ‘Big Mouth Billy Bass’ ( ‘Take me to the river” – don’t tempt me) the height of cultural sophistication.

So this fourth of May, don’t play into the hands of the Star Wars Marketing board. If you really want to enjoy Star Wars then stick on Return of the Jedi, perhaps fast-forwarding through any Ewok related content.

Just don’t. Make. That. Joke.

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Nick Bruzon

From bore draws to Star Wars. Buckets of rain, if not buckets of goals.

17 Dec

Brentford 0 Barnsley 0. On paper, not the best result. In practice, equally unsatisfying. Another game where The Bees huffed, puffed but failed to find either a Plan B or a way through a team set up to do a job on us. It started brightly and it ended with the home crowd roaring our boys on in a protracted five additional minutes. It was the 88 minutes in between that felt dreadfully flat.

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View from the Braemar. High Flyers? Not yesterday

Brentford ‘official’ would later describe the visitors as both “Well drilled“ and “resolute“. The BBC use their match report to call this one “Hard Fought”. That’s diplomatic of them. Personally, I’d have used unimaginative or frustrating. The proverbial bad day at the office with little spark from the midfield, few chances created and Neal Maupay just not getting the run of the ball up front on his own.

Dean Smith commented at full time that, “We had a very good first half, made chances and created opportunities but didn’t take them because of poor decision making.”

Funnily enough, last season’s game at home to the same opposition ended with him noting that, ”Our decision-making was poor on the ball”. That one, the occasion of our 4000th league game, saw the Bees go down 0-2 whilst we were also robbed in the half time mascot race. So at least it was an improvement, even if poor decision making remained a consistent theme.

If you were there on Saturday then you’ll know that we were off our ‘A’ game. The recent demolition of Fulham nothing more than a wonderful memory. That Barnsley did their homework and that we lacked the wherewithal to bypass their bus.

That’s the downside. What one also needs to consider is that it was a game played out in atrocious conditions with biblical torrents of sheet rain falling in the second half. Likewise, this is still another point in the bag. A point acquired over what is sure to be a busy period of games.

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If not buckets of goals, certainly buckets of rain

Norwich City are next up on Friday night and then it’s Aston Villa on Boxing Day. With Josh Clarke going off injured and straight down the tunnel, here’s hoping that was only a precaution. On the flip side, another appearance for Lewis Macleod can only be celebrated. Moreso given the treacherous and slippery conditions underfoot when he entered the field of play.

Ultimately, we didn’t lose. Besides, the bigger picture scenario in the Championship is intriguing. The post-match escape to the warming bosom of the pub was greeted with the sight of Birmingham City now sitting bottom of the pile. Forget ten times better, we’re now twelve points better off than our big spending divisional rivals. Even if the architects of their latest demise are a team we should probably gloss over.

To be honest, I’m just all a bit ‘meh’ about football today. With the long awaited trip to see the new Star Wars movie finally being enjoyed this morning, that really has been the big draw for yours truly. Unlike yesterday which was somewhat of a bland draw.

Still, as somebody bigger and cleverer than me said, “We go again”. Besides, to moan about not losing, in the Championship, seems somewhat trite. It wasn’t a good game. It wasn’t one that we’ll be rushing out to buy the video of. But with the Bees sitting 13th in the table and soon to start an FA Cup campaign with a third round tie at home to league 2 Notts County, the season still has plenty of potential.

And that’s before we even mention a certain Emiliano Marcondes…..

 

Nick Bruzon

With Alien Day seeing another entry to the pantheon of lame ‘jokes’ why not do something good instead?

27 Apr

No. Nooo. Nooooo. In space, no one can hear you scream. Well, sitting here home alone at 6.45am that’s exactly how it feels. It’s a rare foray away from the Brentford stuff today (albeit we’ve a Bees update at the end of this one). Indeed, upon waking there hadn’t even been an intention to write. Then I saw Twitter where something awful has happened. With the world’s weakest sci-fi/calendar related crossover joke still a week away, out of nowhere somebody has created a new one. Apparently today is Alien Day. Seriously.

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It has a Twitter emoji – this must be official

April 26th – Alien Day. Obviously. It even has its own Twitter emoji. But why? Why? Star Wars Day (truly, the most odious of social media gimmicks) at least has a tenuous connection. May the fourth being a hilarious spin on the famous line from the films whilst,simultaneously, being the weakest pun this side of an episode of Mrs Browns Boys. May the force/fourth be with you – how we laughed. Said absolutely no-one.

That’s bad enough, but at least there is another week to brace oursleves. Perhaps even activate the ‘mute’ filter.  Yet now, out of nowhere,  I’ve woken up to see my social media stream full of #Alienday. But what is the connection?

Well, in a no way marketing related spin (the new film Alien : Covenant is released next month) some bright spark has noted a an even looser connection than the Star Wars one. 4/26 – to put an American spin on the date – is almost the same as Planet LV-426 from the movies Alien and the wonderful sequel, Aliens.

That’s it.There isn’t even an attempt at wordplay. For Star Wars Day to have the moral high ground  – in the fact that at least anybody with a vague knowledge of popular culture might pick up on it – there must be something seriously wrong.

What next? 20th January: Space Odyssey day ? 1st March: Doctor Who day? August 29th: Terminator 2 – Judgement Day ? (Actually, I quite like that one).

Nobody will care. That’s fine. I just had to get this off my chest. Or, perhaps, out of it. D’oh!

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The new ‘day’ not at all marketing related. And yes, I’ve bitten

And relax. Getting back to Brentford, we’ll start to look at the trip to Fulham tomorrow. Until then, there’s a special request – and I apologise if I sound like a cracked record but it is music related.

The charity single Welcome home, King Jota is being deleted tomorrow. Time is fast running out to download this or give the video a spin on YouTube. In itself, as enjoyable given you get to immerse yourself in Mark Fuller’s video montage containing all number of Bees supporters in cameo roles aswell as, more importantly, a homage to the luxuriantly coiffured wing wizard.

All proceeds go to charity – the single is of course raising money for Cancer Research UK. This is the last time I’ll mention it in the short term so please go out and do your thing.

Billy Reeves, Adam Bluetone, Rich Hard-FI and a cracking tune could be yours for just a 79p donation to charity. You can get it here. Please do. And why not give that video, which is almost at an incredible 3000 hits, one more play?

Jota – genius

Nick Bruzon

Scott Hogan earns the ultimate recognition but is FIFA better than Nintendo?

22 Sep

scott-hoganWith Brentford getting themselves ready for a return to action at Wolves this weekend, all the talk has been about Scott Hogan. His goals speak for themselves but, once more, those Republic of Ireland stories are doing the rounds.

Perhaps too soon for a player with just handful of Championship games but just about as many goals under his belt? Or a chance for the Irish to grab a player who is, metaphorically, ‘on fire’ and terrifying defences up and down the land? Somebody really should use that one. It might catch on. Please. No.

To read the rest of this article, season 2016/17 is now available for download on e-book in the retrospective: Welcome Home, King Jota (Brentford FC season review 2016/17)

 Priced at just £1.99, all sales are being donated to the Brentford FC Community Sports Trust.

Likewise any sales from the previous titles – Celebrating like they’d won the FA Cup (2013/14), Tales from the football village (2014/15) and Ready. Steady. Go Again. (2015/16) – are also now going to the BFCCST. 

Containing the least bad of the blogs from May 2016 to May 2017 along with a smattering of new material, you can pick it up, here. Its all for a great cause and,hey, you may even enjoy it…..

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The height of mid-80’s video game sophistication. Spot the ball

 

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Super Soccer. Took things to new levels of, erm, super

 

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That TOTW bench

 

Nick Bruzon

I smell a giant rat. If it’s good enough for Lineker….

24 May

Don’t click. Don’t click. Don’t click.” . Not a 21st Century equivalent of the mantra from ‘Candyman’ (kids, don’t even waste your time asking your dads) but a self-administered warning as the mouse hovered over one of the numerous : QPR moving for Brentford captain Jake Bidwell ‘stories’ doing the rounds yesterday. It was ignored.

I did it to myself, I did. And that’s what really hurt. As Radiohead almost sang way back.

This was always going to be flimsy but even by the desperate standards of ‘close season’ (where, as were’ve said before, news is so thin that a transfer in a cereal packet would get reported) it was bad. Yet another example of ‘journalism’ eating itself in an ongoing search for online hits.

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Transfer news has always been popular

And despite normally avoiding such things – as much because of the ‘short survey’ required to access the rest of the article – this was too intriguing a lure. The captain of Brentford going to rivals QPR. Surely not?

Not, being the key word.

Our esteemed West London sources have been quoting a ‘report’ in the Mirror – a source whose usual line of stories seem to be about the ongoing invasion of the UK by giant rats .

And that ‘report’ was one buried amongst a whole host of other unsupported rumours,  claiming that the Loftus Road mob have apparently ‘made an enquiry’ . That was it.

Seriously, this won’t happen. I just can’t see any element of truth or any plausible way it would go through. Instead, it’s just 30 seconds I’ll never get back.

So confident am I that this is bull then if it does play out I’ll attend the first home game of next season in my pants. Hey, if its good enough for Gary Lineker.

If you really want to read some nonsense then, instead, could I suggest,  The Last Word’ review of the year which recently been released for download. Entitled “Ready.Steady. Go Again” it features the least bad of these columns from the appointment of Marinus in June 2015 up until 9th place in the Championship was confirmed earlier in the month.

‘And if you’d like to read more’….. there is also an anthology of the last three seasons  : “Brentford Football Club – The Bees are going up“. This runs from ‘that penalty’ and the subsequent fall out all the way through to the 5-1 humping of Huddersfield Town on Saturday. This, via all sorts of other Bees related trivia  including the answer to the oft asked question: Does Cameron Diaz support Brentford?

That said, there was genuine news from none other than Alan Judge yesterday. Twitter once again showing how much it has become legitimate font of up to the minute stories with the announcement: No Crutches

Accompanied by a self shot video that shows our player of the season walking, unaided, this is only a fantastic update.

The Brentford family were heartbroken when he suffered that season ending injury at Ipswich Town. With his chance of featuring in Euro 2016 also gone, The Judge has done nothing but keep the proverbial chin up in public.

As such, to see him at this level of recovery already is genuinely exciting. Here’s hoping Alan can push on from here and we see him in the red and white stripes come August.

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The Judge has spoken

Nick Bruzon

Don’t give in to the Dark Side. An apology

4 May

This should be a time for celebration. Brentford fans know what I mean. Instead, I’m angry again as Star Wars, the second best film franchise of all time (nobody can top ‘Roger’ era Bond) sends me to the bitter depths of despair. So angry it’s not even a football article today.

Yes, it is the fourth of May.

I apologise in advance for repeating a lot of what I’ve said before. I love Twitter but today it’s being given a wide berth. Sci-fi geeks and lovers of crap jokery everywhere have, already, began infecting my social media timeline with the hilarious ‘May the fourth be with you’ comment.

Even now, writing those horrible, horrible words, I can feel a little bit of sick rising to the back of my throat.

Please – I beg of you – it’s not too late. It’s not funny, it’s not clever, its not original and using this weak, weak pun does not make you into some 21st Century Oscar Wilde. I love bad wordplay as much as the next man but this limp ‘gag’ forsakes humour for twee. And those are two fields which are a world apart.

It’s the sort of ‘joke’ used by people who find The Krankies or ‘Big Mouth Billy Bass’ ( ‘Take me to the river” – don’t tempt me) the height of cultural sophistication.

So this fourth of May, if you really want to enjoy Star Wars then stick on The Force Awakens or Return of the Jedi. Perhaps fast-forwarding through any Ewok related content.

Just don’t. Use. That. Phrase.

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Can Pele inspire Brentford or will Wednesday escape to victory ?

26 Sep

Brentford fans were given the chance to warm up for the weekend football ahead of the game with Sheffield Wednesday by enjoying Friday night’s derby between Fulham and Queens Park Rangers. And we’ve got a visit from footballing (and cinematic) royalty today, kind of…

But beginning at Craven Cottage, it really was one of those awful yet compelling choices. Our two local rivals going head-to-head with no way that both could lose. Whilst, ordinarily, you’d hope for a red card laden 0-0 in this sort of game, if one side has to win then at least it’s nice to see the other on the back end of a spanking. And what a thrashing was administered as Fulham ran out 4-0 victors.

The Rangers website described it as “another night to forget for QPR at Craven Cottage” although I much preferred Bees fan and Bluetones’ guitarist Adam Devlin’s take on things:

Adam shares what we were all thinking

Adam shares what we were all thinking

There was a debatable/condescending (delete as applicable) point made in the Sky commentary that it was, “The great West London derby” alongside the semi-apologetic caveat “with all due respect to Brentford”. Anybody with half an eye on football knows full well that the phrase ‘with all due respect to’ means anything but. A polite way of saying,”we are miles better than you ”.

Aside from my own loyalties to the Bees, a half full away end and a crowd of 19,784 compared to the 23,271 present for our own game in April suggest otherwise. Those visiting supporters who did travel provided all the excitement of a children’s magic trick as the TV coverage suggested a somewhat muted atmosphere. This was less,”The great West London derby” and more ‘The Great Soprendo’ (kids, ask your dads).

On the plus side, at least Fulham now know what it feels like to score four goals at Craven Cottage.

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The stats don’t lie….

And so on to all matters Sheffield Wednesday. Not that there’s too much to say at the moment. Brentford supporters will, hopefully, have been buoyed but the updates from the management team during the week at the fans’ forum, along with the news that one of the dirty dozen (that’s the injury list) is due to return. Marinus confirmed on Thursday evening that James Tarkowski was over the knock that had kept him out of the game at Middlesbrough and the win over Preston North End in our previous outing.

The visit of Wednesday is the second of three home games in a row for the Bees and a victory today, whilst by no means a guarantee, will take us to exactly the same position as we were in last season – 11 points after 8 games. It would take us past our opponents, level with Fulham and just one point off QPR (and the teams currently in the play offs) with a game in hand.

Whilst it is still a bit early into the campaign to make an informed decision on our prospects for the season overall (only after ten games can we say that the table has ‘taken shape’) today would seem to be the perfect example of – cliché alert – taking every game as it comes. The short-term rewards for a win are tangible and some which should, one would hope, add to the already charged atmosphere at Griffin Park.

And finally. Pele. To many, the greatest footballer of all time. To me, moreso. The greatest footballer of all time abut also the greatest footballer-cum-actor who starred in the quintessential ‘football/POW escape’ crossover movie, Escape To Victory.

I’ve waxed lyrical about this film, many times so will spare the regular reader another lecture – suffice to say it comfortably nestles in my all time top ten films alongside the likes of ‘The Spy Who Loved Me’, ‘Star Wars’ and the Vin Diesel classic ‘xXx’.

Pele - a footballing and acting giant

Pele – a footballing and acting giant

So imagine my excitement to read on the official site that he will be the guest of honour at the training ground today for the Pelé cup. This, as the club have announced, being “A special tournament honouring one of the world’s greatest ever players and featuring some of the best up-and-coming talent in Europe.”

Sadly, they then went on to announce that this tournament is, “Behind closed doors and strictly no admittance.”

I have to be honest, initial feelings were of immense disappointment. Why plaster this news all over the cub site on a Friday afternoon but then make it clear we couldn’t come along without prior arrangement? A footballing demi-God will be walking amongst us, just not the supporters. Were they worried we might witness the latest round of the training ground injury jinx?

It seemed to be the equivalent of that moment on TV’s Bullseye during the show’s finale – The Gamble. The competing couple had stuffed it up. The cash, the ‘Bendy Bullys’ and the washing machine or decanter set from the prize board had all been frittered away in pursuit of a speedboat.

Then Jim Bowen would give the ultimate kick in the nuts and utter the immortal lines, “I hate to do this to you, but let’s look at what you could have won”.

Out would come the obligatory boat, but there was no way anybody was getting near it. In footballing terms, Pele is within our grasp but strictly ‘off limits’.

Bullseye - another pair try to win Jim Bowen's speedboat

Bullseye – another pair try to win Jim Bowen’s speedboat

Thinking more about it this morning, I can only imagine the security nightmare that an open house ‘meet and greet’ with Pele would have caused. Our stewards are indifferent enough as it is at times on matchday, let alone with an undetermined number of people turning up unannounced at Jersey Road. Equally, this could have been as much at his request as the clubs.

That said, there are ways and means of saying things. Why share this exciting news but then make it clear in such blunt terms that we aren’t welcome? Moreso, given the open house policy we’ve all become so used to in the past.

Of course the club are going to want to share such news this but there are ways and means. If you are going to big up this sort of news, at least explain why it is being done in private or why not even have held a competition to allow a few supporters along?

Being honest, given our game with Sheffield Wednesday I can only imagine the climax of the tournament would cut across this anyway. Whilst the thought of meeting Pelé is, of course, an incredible one I’d rather be at Griffin Park with my friends.

Instead, I will simply remain in awe of the great man, think about ‘what might have been’ and perhaps crack out ‘that’ DVD once more.

A goal to rival the 'Ossie flick'

A goal to rival the ‘Ossie flick’

Nick Bruzon

Is victory a Long shot after strange injury update?

17 Apr

This is a curious one. Brentford take on Bolton Wanderers in Saturday’s ‘must win’ game where it is quite feasible we will be without the services of Everton loanee Chris Long. Despite being unable to feature in the midweek disappointment at Sheffield Wednesday after reportedly suffering from a knee injury (the third successive game he has missed after illness) he was able to play for the Everton U-21s yesterday. Where he promptly got injured!

To read the rest of this article, season 2014/15 is now available to download onto Kindle (and other electronic reading device) in full. Containing additional material and even some (poor) editing, you can get it here for less than the cost of a Griffin Park matchday programme or Balti Pie.

Thanks for reading and all your comments over the course of the season. For now, I need to make more space on the site for any follow up. However, ‘close season’ will continue in full, further on.

A surprise source unearths a real Christmas turkey

30 Dec

As Brentford spent Christmas going down to both Ipswich Town and Wolves, it seems that away from the field various sources were busy either writing about, or preparing articles on, the club’s home fixture from the 1983 festive period.

To read the rest of this article, season 2014/15 is now available to download onto Kindle (and other electronic reading device) in full. Containing additional material and even some (poor) editing, you can get it here for less than the cost of a Griffin Park matchday programme or Balti Pie.

 Thanks for reading and all your comments over the course of the season. For now, I need to make more space on the site for any follow up. However, ‘close season’ will continue in full, further along.

Roger's wing walking is in the top left corner

Roger’s wing walking is in the top left corner