Coming soon – to Griffin Park. The chamber of horrors

7 Sep

They’re under starters orders……and they’re off!

We’re five games into the new season and so its time for a retrospective. Not one of performance – I’ll leave that to the likes of Chris Wickham or the fans, themselves, on the GPG. (That said, mine will come once we are ten games in – the point at which the table is, traditionally, said to have ‘taken shape’).

Instead, I’d like to look at the ten worst kits of season 2013-14. Some we’ll see over the course of the season (and already have) in the league and maybe in the cup. Others will simply grace our TV screens. Either way, I’ve scoured the respective club websites to find these ten examples of what happens when marketing overtakes commonsense and tradition.

And, for the record, Brentford don’t qualify for this poll (although I did think about, seeing as we’ve a sponsor that has us putting the KY into SE….. )

10. Derby County (home) 

ImageOn the surface, it’s stylish, simple and retro. County fans must have been pleasantly surprised about how good it was. Until you get to the lurid and over-sized sponsor. Subtle as a brick.

 

 

 

 

 

9. Leeds United (home) 

ImageSurely they couldn’t do worse than last campaign’s ‘tabard’ effect shirt. Actually, they could. Take one traditional all white shirt and run two vertical bars up the middle (only interrupted by a sponsor’s square & squiggle). Add small collars and a technical sponsor on each shoulder. Voila

 

8. Portsmouth (third)

Image

Their traditional change colours of, erm, purple and electric pink? With the addition of a strange swoosh across the middle and a footballer-cum-model who really shouldn’t give up the day job.

 

 

 

 

7. Aston Villa (away)

ImageThis is football, not rugby union. Looks like someone has turned up the contrast at Bristol Rovers. Truly odd.

 

 

 

 

 

6. Wycombe Wanderers (away)

ImageBarcelona had a ‘Lucozade effect’ away kit last season – they’re one of the best teams in Europe and can get away with it. Wycombe, on the other hand, aren’t. And don’t.

 

 

 

 

5. The Loftus Road mob (third)

ImageEffectively renting their third kit to Caterham F1. Please, drape the colours of your giant scalextrics outfit all over our third kit

 

 

 

 

 

4. Swansea City (away)

ImageA truly eye burning effort. Purple and yellow with hard to read sponsor. No words needed

 

 

 

 

 

3. Bradford City (away) 

Image Socks and shorts merge half way up the shirt to make a bizarre ‘cloudy sky’ effect. All it’s missing is ‘The sun’ as a sponsor. (I’ll get my coat).

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Liverpool (away)

Image A shirt that has truly divided the fans between, “Is it ‘awful’ or ‘really awful’ “?  This fractal rework on their 89-91 that has been met with derision on Merseyside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Liverpool (third).

ImageHow can the same club do the same thing twice in the same season? How do you get worse than Liverpool’s away kit? Take a look at their third kit.

Neatly divided into purple, black and white segments. With a bit of gold and grey for good measure. Its brave, I’ll give them that.

 

 

 

If you want to see more of this season’s offerings then you could do a lot worse than visit http://www.historicalkits.co.uk . It has comprehensive run-downs on the current season aswell as vast, club-by-club, archives. And for good measure, their commentary is laced with a dead-pan sarcasm that I could only ever aspire to.

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